I Wanna Hold Your Hand

No, actually, you really don’t. Trust me.
Thanks to germs presumably from daycare, I have Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. It sounds more serious than it is, it’s really just annoying bumps/rash in those three places. But the mouth ones are pretty awful. Like, liquid lunch used to mean something very different to me.

Oh, and I had to miss both classes today.
I thought I might have felt well enough to go (I didn’t) but I didn’t want to infect my classmates. It’s relatively contagious.

On the plus side, it seems to be getting better. I was able to eat some eggs today, with lots and lots of sour cream.

In other news… Mr. Handyman is an idiot.
Like, seriously, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. I told him flat out that I liked him, and he said, “can we just stay good friends?”
Like, what??
And then the last time he came to my house, he was still just as friendly and whatever as always. So I think he is just legit dumb, and didn’t realize how flirty he came across. Given that, and his poor grammar I was trying to ignore, I don’t think I’d want to date him anyway.😛

Anyway. Lots of fucked up things have been happening lately. Orlando. Cops killing black people. A sniper killing cops. Black Lives Matter. Blue Lives Matter. All Lives Matter.
Bastille Day in Nice. Now Turkey.
Oh, and side note, UK: WTF, Mate? “Well yeah I voted ‘leave,’ but I didn’t think it would actually pass!” . . . . *sigh*

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about all this stuff going on, but I’m actually writing this stuff in a journal for class.
Basically, it’s all scary and it all fucking sucks.

I want to do something to change things, especially here in the US.
What? I don’t know. But when I figure it out, you bet your ass I’m gonna do it.

Stupid Girl

Hi. I must be on break between quarters or something, because I actually have time to blog! And I actually have things going on to blog about!

Well, to be fair, there’s a ton I could blog about from my Family of Origin class. I imagine I will at some point. Speaking of… mom comes to visit this weekend. Hooray! Or something. I definitely have some anxiety over that.

But I’m here to talk about a boy. Handyman Luke, that is. And I really ought to get out of the habit of calling him a boy, since he’s 10-ish years older than me.😛,

So last Monday, we worked on my house together nearly all day. It was fun.:) There was lots of getting-to-know-you stuff talked about, and a good amount of work got done. My attempt at a paint fight was sadly thwarted, I think because he was going to see a new client that evening.

At the end of the day, he said something about coffee. I kind of had an internal freak out, because I was all sweaty from the work (also my meds make me sweat super easy), and I’m just generally self-conscious and maybe in denial that this boy guy actually likes me. So instead of yes or no, I said, “what time is it?” “4:30.” And then retreated into my head where I debated whether or not caffeine this late in the day was a good idea.

I realized later that night that he’d been asking me to go out for coffee, and I kinda spaced on giving him an answer.

So the next day I am oh so clever and ask him for coffee over text message. (I’ll spare you the transcript, just know that it was clever.😉 )
No response.
Wait, wha….? But… he… I… what??
The next day I’m a little more direct… and then after a few hours with no response, I take it back, saying “ok, nevermind!” *sigh*

A couple days go by, and I decide to be direct, because I haven’t heard from him. I wish him a happy Father’s Day, and ask him point blank if he’s going to do any more work on my house. He replies, and tells me about his plans with his boys for the day.

Yesterday I texted him about house details, what still needs to get done, yadda yadda, and how I probably only need one more day of work from him.
And he strikes up a conversation, asking about my weekend trip with Emma, and we chat for a bit. Leaving me more confused… but, ok, maybe he does like me.

Last night I’m mulling it over on my way to sleep, and I realize… Oh shit. The other day when we hung out, he didn’t just try once to get me to go for coffee.
He’d said something about it earlier in the day. Genius that I am… you know what I said?
“Well, there’s soda in the fridge!”

Yup. I am really that oblivious.

But, at least this realization makes me feel more confidently that he does like me.

That’s scary, though. It was much easier when the interest only went one way. I liked someone, or they liked me… but not both.

Well, so now I’ll try to pay more attention.

And I’m going to try to save face. I swear I’m not usually this oblivious.

So today I texted him and told him I’m an idiot. He asked what’s wrong? I said I’ll tell him next time he’s at the house.
“You’ll probably laugh at me.😛 ”
“I always do.:)

Damn. Set myself up for that one!
But, this is the banter I want. This is why I like him.:)

Stay tuned for the next installment of: Dee misses obvious cues from boys!

We go together

Like Pad Thai and potato salad.

So, I realize I haven’t really said much about Seth lately. Perhaps surprisingly, I haven’t really had much to complain about.
Ok, he let Emma’s medical bill from getting tubes in her ears slip through his fingers so that got a call from a collection agency… but he paid it at my prompting, and we agreed to split it. He rounded down my half to compensate for his “failing to adult.”

But yeah, that’s really it.
I guess all that time in therapy paid off to make me a more well-adjusted person.

We had a hot couple days last weekend, so I took Emma swimming. The last time I even invited Seth. And Cat.
That’s right, we went swimming with my ex-husband and his mistress girlfriend. She’s actually really nice, but most importantly, she loves Emma. More grown ups loving her is not a bad thing.

So while we were in the pool, Cat invited me to a family get-together thing for this weekend. It was supposed to be at the park, but rain happened, so instead it stayed at their house. Well, Seth’s house, which Cat is about to move into. (Oh yeah, there’s that too).
Two of Cat’s siblings were there, along with an extra toddler, her mother (from what I’ve heard, also a narcissist like my mother) and her grandmother. And Cat’s son, Ryan.
I wanted to play with the other toddler (a little younger than Emma) but felt a little awkward. Thankfully, I think that was the most awkwardness I felt. Weeeeelllllll, ok, it’s still a little awkward when I see Seth & Cat PDAs… but I can count on three fingers how many times I’ve seen obvious ones with them–and two were today. Two arm touches, and one quick smooch (that I heard, not so much saw).

But yeah, this little boy. He’s my… ex-husband’s girlfriend’s nephew? My ex’s possibly-future nephew? Emma’s possibly-future step-cousin?  He was super cute, I just felt a little weird wanting to play with a small child I had so little connection to. So I didn’t really interact with him much.

ANYwho. There was a point here somewhere.
Seth told me it would be a barbecue. I offered to bring something, and I asked what he was making. Then I said, “nevermind, you’re probably not going to make something that doesn’t go with potato salad.”
Well. Cooking entirely inside, they made Pad Thai, and a curry dish. But, since I didn’t have any leftover potato salad to take home, I consider it a win.:)

So, yeah. It may be unconventional, and occasionally slightly uncomfortable… but Emma is going to have a big, weird family that loves her to pieces.

In some of my school reading, I came across a term I rather liked: binuclear family. I like the concept, and I know my little girl will be much more well adjusted that mommy and daddy don’t hate each other, and presumably don’t hate each others’ partners.

I joke about it, but it’s in that “haha, no really” kind of way. I’m glad my parents taught me how NOT to get divorced.

And, I guess I have to add that Seth has played a big part in this, too. He’s financially generous, and willing to negotiate, whether it’s money or switching nights with Emma. I don’t know what I’d do if I’d had to fight to get money from him.
I’m glad he’s not a total d-bag. And I’m glad that Cat is not an evil step-mother figure… as much as I might want to hate her, it’s really about Emma.

Feelings

Well, keeping up with my once-a-month post average…

I just have to put this somewhere. Say this to someone. (Even if nobody reads it)

HOLY SHIT, grad school. HO.LY.SHIT.

Tess said that grad school is like really expensive therapy. Boy was she right!
Side note: next week I go back to Sid! Quitting my job led to new insurance, so I can go back to him now. (Also, Tess doesn’t take the new one)

Anyway. I just got out of class. I’m almost done with my first quarter of grad school, and it has totally kicked my ass, but in a good way. There have been a number of moments where I’m learning about a new concept, and realize “Holy shit, that’s a thing! That’s a thing my mother did!!” And then I get sad.

To that end, writing the papers about my family of origin… it’s been pretty intense.

Here’s the biggest epiphany I had writing the “Unfinished Business” paper:
I talked a ton about my mom’s unrealistic expectations of me growing up. So as I’m writing… I’m thinking about how she expected me to be something I’m not, something I could never be. THEN. I realized how I’ve expected her to be the mother I always wanted, something she’s not and can never be.

Damn.
Mind = blown.

But wait, there’s more!

Continue reading

Movin’ Out

Well, it’s official.  Grad school is kicking my ass.
In the best way possible.  But, holy crap it’s a lot of work.  It’s not like college where I didn’t do any of the reading, unless I was looking for a quote to go in my hobbled together last minute paper.
I guess the biggest difference is that I’m way more invested in this.  Like, I could put in less effort and do ok… but I actually give a shit.  And I want to do well, and learn stuff, not just do ok.

Anyway.  The downside is, I quickly decided I couldn’t do grad school, renovate a house, and work 30 hours a week.  Oh yeah, not to mention, my precocious toddler.😉

So my last day of work is Tuesday.  It’s bittersweet.  I like everyone I work with.  Well, my direct supervisor…. eh, I’ve even learned to tolerate him.  But, seriously, this is the most supportive group of people I have ever worked with.  I will miss them.
I hope I still get to hang out with my work BFF!  Well, we’re going to a concert together this summer.:)

I own a home.  I’m in grad school.  And I have an amazing little girl.
Life is pretty good.❤

Unicorns

Well.  I did give that cute boy from the Urgent Care my number.  He never called.😛

I’m a few days away from my first grad school class, and 8 days from closing on my house.  I feel a little crazy for taking both these things on, let alone at once… but, yeah, I’m an overachiever.  I’ll get it done.  And then look for the next project to busy myself with.😛

I think the tension with my supervisor kind of fizzled.  He went on vacation right after the blow-up, and we haven’t really talked about it since.  Also, I’m thinking that adjusting my meds may have made me better able to deal with him.😛

And now, to the point of this post.  Unicorns.

I want to date.  I haven’t found anyone worth dating.  I’ve been on a few first dates, nothing worth pursuing.  I joined that singles social club to meet people.  I’ve made friends, which is great, but nobody I want to date.

Realizing I’m probably looking for a single parent, I joined an online dating site to that end.  The site itself is pretty crappy… just not very user-friendly.  But I’ve had decent luck getting attention from guys.

I had two first dates this weekend.  One was a guy very close in age, but lives further South than I might like, and has a lot of kids.  The other was significantly older (12 years) and also lives further away than I’d like.

I met the first guy yesterday for coffee.  He was perfectly nice, and cute!  We had a good chat, and I felt comfortable.  But something was missing.  I was classifying it as: I don’t think he’s quite as smart as me… but I’ve come to realize it’s specifically witty banter that’s missing.  I like a challenge, and I think I want a partner who challenges me a little, in a good way.

The second first date was supposed to be today.  Past tense.  He cancelled.  I was actually pretty excited about this guy, despite the age difference, because I felt like the witty banter was there.  Well, he cancelled this morning, and said he wasn’t feeling it with the age difference.  He’s the one who messaged me in the first place, knowing how old I was!  And it was going swimmingly until he showed me pics of his kids, so I sent him one of Emma decked out in her My Little Pony attire.  I’m pretty sure the realization that I have a 2 year old was what turned him off, not my age specifically.  I’m disappointed, for sure, but, meh… what am I gonna do?

Anyway.  I keep coming back to the first guy, “I should like him!”  There’s nothing wrong with him!  He’s really interested in me, too.  A few hours before our date yesterday, he texted me, “Is it two yet? :)”  (Our date was scheduled for two, in case that wasn’t obvious)  We have a second date scheduled for lunch on Thursday, and he even said “can’t wait!”  That’s all nice, and sweet, and cute.  But… I think it’s just not there for me.😦

So what am I looking for?  A guy, ideally with kid(s), who’s not a dick, and good at witty banter.  I want to be attracted to him physically, and intellectually.

I feel like I’m looking for a fucking unicorn.  But, to be fair, I guess I haven’t been looking all that long.😛

Mojo

Hmm, my record for posting hasn’t been that great lately.
Let’s play a little catch-up.

My first quarter of grad school starts in less than a month, and I am very close to finishing the last pre-req class.
Oh yeah, and today I got a reminder from the school about the requirement that we complete 20 hours of therapy (at least 10 have to be during your time in school there).  I think it’s great that it’s a requirement, but it also kind of amuses me.  I could get 20 hours of therapy with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.

I close on my new house in exactly one month.  Say what?  Yeah, I realized that rent is stupid, so I’m buying a house.  NBD.  3 beds, 1.5 baths, 1400 square feet.  It’s walking distance to the school I want Emma to go to, and my monthly mortgage payment will be about the same as my current rent… and is most likely less than what my rent would go up to at the end of August when my lease is up.  They raised it $95/mo last year!

Tension between my supervisor and I is at an all-time high.  Ugh.  At least my manager is doing her managerial job well, and supporting both of us, and we’re going to talk it out like grown-ups, blah blah blah.

Tess and I had quite the conversation about my sudden reactivation of my online dating account, and more specifically about posting an ad on CraigsList.  She said I needed a “hit.”  And I said, damn it, you’re right.  Tess has said (I’m not sure if she’s joking or not) that her new business cards are going to say “Buzzkill.”  Joke or not, it’s totally accurate.😛

Oh yeah, I ran into Sid at work for the first time!  We were doing a mandatory training for our new computer system.  I went to sign in, saw his name on the list and had a little mental freak-out, to the point where I started to write his name instead of mine.😛  He showed up a few minutes in to the presentation, and I was a little distracted.  I was far more distracted by Connie sitting next to me, who would not STFU!  Anyway, I got to leave the training early, so I didn’t get a chance to say anything to him.  I like to think I would’ve at least said hi.

Ok, and to my point.  The mojo.

lost-mojo-help-resized1

I mean, I don’t know that I legitimately had any to begin with.  My “game” was pretty much to lead with sex.

So there’s this boy.  SHOCKER.
He is cute.
He has a lot of tattoos.  I like tattoos… I mean, I have 3.  But usually not this many.

I have met him twice.  Here’s the fun part: at the Urgent Care I’ve been to twice now for this stupid sinus infection.  (I think I just wasn’t on antibiotics quite long enough the first time).
He’s a Medical Assistant.  So he got the fun job of checking my vitals, asking about my prescriptions, medical history, etc.
And he made me laugh.  A bunch.  I think that’s what stuck out most about him.

Aladdin Laugh

Anyway.  I keep thinking about this guy.

And once again I’ve therapied myself.  I think I’m obsessing over this, and in fact I obsess in general, because I feel like if I analyze and over-analyze something, I can find an answer, without having to directly ask for an answer.
I want to KNOW but I don’t want to ASK.  So I’ll examine and re-examine the situation from every possible (and even improbable) angle.
I’m hung up on: Was he being extra funny/charming because he liked me?  Or is that just his bedside manner?  Of course he was borderline flirting with me… no, wait, there’s no way he was borderline flirting with me.  Maybe ethically he’s really not supposed to flirt with patients, but that was as close as he could get.  But no, definitely not flirting because I’m too [insert negative self-talk here].

So, what should I do to stop my wheels from spinning in the mud?  Fucking ask.
God damn it, that means being upfront.  Direct.  Bold.

Maybe I do have mojo after all.  It was just hidden under all my insecurity and self-doubt.