Why do aha moments come late at night when nobody’s awake to hear them?

Last night I was coloring before bed, a somewhat common occurrence. Self care, blah blah blah. I guess it’s apparently a pretty meditative thinky place for me.

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And the cat came back…

So, remember Paul*? My good taste in bad decisions from almost two years ago?

Well. Here’s a quick recap.

I found out that Seth was dating already, only 2 months after I moved out. So I went on CraigsList. Most of the ads positively disgusted me, but I saw one that was a single dad looking for a single mom, Friends with Benefits sort of thing.
I figured, since I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I didn’t want a random hookup, FWB was the perfect compromise.

Meet Paul.

Sid was able to dissuade me from hooking up with him by saying, “Yeah, you could do that, and you might not be in crisis. But your recovery would be at risk.”
Your recovery would be at risk.
All day before our date that was running through my head.

Yes, we still went on the date. And yes, there were some make-outs.
But ultimately I sent him home without sleeping with him, telling him that while I wanted to have sex, it was a bad idea, because I would just be using it to distract from my feelings–specifically the grief of my divorce.
He was glad I told him, wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to.
He went home, and I continued drinking to excess, figuring I had made one good decision that night, and that was enough.
Well, I haven’t had a drink, since. I woke up the next morning and thought, “maybe I shouldn’t be drinking.”

About a month later, in a moment of weakness I messaged him again, ultimately looking for a hookup. He reminded me, “you said no for a reason.”
Damn it, Paul. I mean, damn it at the time, but also way to be a good guy.

Last week I went out for drinks with my classmates after the last day of classes. (To the point above, I stuck to Coke.) Lots of good talk about relationships and life in general, and hell, we played never have I ever.
The whole experience got me thinking, and feeling more open and willing to put myself out there.

So on Saturday, I reactivated my OkCupid account. This is something I’ve done sporadically on and off, I’ll use it for a while, get frustrated, and deactivate it, only to come back a little later and start all over again.
But I was really starting to get frustrated with the lack of potential dating options.

Anyway, I was like, if I’m gonna do it this time, I may as well go all the way. So I paid for the stupid upgrade options.

Maybe an hour later, I’m looking at my matches.
Hey, wait. That looks like Paul. *click* OMG, it IS him!
This is only significant because I know he’s been in a serious relationship since not long after the last time we hung out. And I know this because we’ve stayed FB friends, though practically no interaction.

A 91% match!

So I messaged him on Facebook. He remembered me, and apparently I made an impression. (So did he!)

We’ve hung out twice since then… the second time was, oh, my! NSFW.
And we’ve been chatting online pretty much nonstop since then.
Plenty of sexy talk, but also lots of other stuff, too.

So that’s my big news. 🙂

O hai

Well, I got quickly sucked into my second quarter of grad school. I think it’s going to be like this every quarter. Just trying to survive to the end, and enjoy some break in between. Of course, this “break” involves a trip to see my Dad and my Mom… so definitely not a vacation. 😦

Oh, I also (finally) moved into the house. Well, all my stuff is here, only about half of it is unpacked so far. Grad school and toddler don’t leave much time for house stuff. But this is the last week of the quarter, and I only have one paper to write. Then I am done! …until next quarter. Yeah. “Only” one paper to write.

It’s my weekend off, so I’m hoping to get a lot of organizing and unpacking done. So far that included wall mounting my TV… realizing I broke that one in the process, and buying a new, lighter, TV and wall mounting that one. 😛

In other significant news… Emma was diagnosed with Celiac Disease this week. She’s been having tummy troubles for a while, so in some ways it’s a relief to have a diagnosis, especially one I’m so familiar with. But, it still sucks. I was hoping she would avoid that branch of my genetics. =/

Well, that’s my quick check in. The house is coming along, work on the kitchen starts soon. Grad school continues to kick my ass, and will likely do so until I graduate. 😛 And Emma is amazing. ❤ More so now that her tummy doesn’t hurt all the time.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand

No, actually, you really don’t. Trust me.
Thanks to germs presumably from daycare, I have Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. It sounds more serious than it is, it’s really just annoying bumps/rash in those three places. But the mouth ones are pretty awful. Like, liquid lunch used to mean something very different to me.

Oh, and I had to miss both classes today.
I thought I might have felt well enough to go (I didn’t) but I didn’t want to infect my classmates. It’s relatively contagious.

On the plus side, it seems to be getting better. I was able to eat some eggs today, with lots and lots of sour cream.

In other news… Mr. Handyman is an idiot.
Like, seriously, that’s the only conclusion I can come to. I told him flat out that I liked him, and he said, “can we just stay good friends?”
Like, what??
And then the last time he came to my house, he was still just as friendly and whatever as always. So I think he is just legit dumb, and didn’t realize how flirty he came across. Given that, and his poor grammar I was trying to ignore, I don’t think I’d want to date him anyway. 😛

Anyway. Lots of fucked up things have been happening lately. Orlando. Cops killing black people. A sniper killing cops. Black Lives Matter. Blue Lives Matter. All Lives Matter.
Bastille Day in Nice. Now Turkey.
Oh, and side note, UK: WTF, Mate? “Well yeah I voted ‘leave,’ but I didn’t think it would actually pass!” . . . . *sigh*

I have a lot of thoughts and feelings about all this stuff going on, but I’m actually writing this stuff in a journal for class.
Basically, it’s all scary and it all fucking sucks.

I want to do something to change things, especially here in the US.
What? I don’t know. But when I figure it out, you bet your ass I’m gonna do it.

Stupid Girl

Hi. I must be on break between quarters or something, because I actually have time to blog! And I actually have things going on to blog about!

Well, to be fair, there’s a ton I could blog about from my Family of Origin class. I imagine I will at some point. Speaking of… mom comes to visit this weekend. Hooray! Or something. I definitely have some anxiety over that.

But I’m here to talk about a boy. Handyman Luke, that is. And I really ought to get out of the habit of calling him a boy, since he’s 10-ish years older than me. :P,

So last Monday, we worked on my house together nearly all day. It was fun. 🙂 There was lots of getting-to-know-you stuff talked about, and a good amount of work got done. My attempt at a paint fight was sadly thwarted, I think because he was going to see a new client that evening.

At the end of the day, he said something about coffee. I kind of had an internal freak out, because I was all sweaty from the work (also my meds make me sweat super easy), and I’m just generally self-conscious and maybe in denial that this boy guy actually likes me. So instead of yes or no, I said, “what time is it?” “4:30.” And then retreated into my head where I debated whether or not caffeine this late in the day was a good idea.

I realized later that night that he’d been asking me to go out for coffee, and I kinda spaced on giving him an answer.

So the next day I am oh so clever and ask him for coffee over text message. (I’ll spare you the transcript, just know that it was clever. 😉 )
No response.
Wait, wha….? But… he… I… what??
The next day I’m a little more direct… and then after a few hours with no response, I take it back, saying “ok, nevermind!” *sigh*

A couple days go by, and I decide to be direct, because I haven’t heard from him. I wish him a happy Father’s Day, and ask him point blank if he’s going to do any more work on my house. He replies, and tells me about his plans with his boys for the day.

Yesterday I texted him about house details, what still needs to get done, yadda yadda, and how I probably only need one more day of work from him.
And he strikes up a conversation, asking about my weekend trip with Emma, and we chat for a bit. Leaving me more confused… but, ok, maybe he does like me.

Last night I’m mulling it over on my way to sleep, and I realize… Oh shit. The other day when we hung out, he didn’t just try once to get me to go for coffee.
He’d said something about it earlier in the day. Genius that I am… you know what I said?
“Well, there’s soda in the fridge!”

Yup. I am really that oblivious.

But, at least this realization makes me feel more confidently that he does like me.

That’s scary, though. It was much easier when the interest only went one way. I liked someone, or they liked me… but not both.

Well, so now I’ll try to pay more attention.

And I’m going to try to save face. I swear I’m not usually this oblivious.

So today I texted him and told him I’m an idiot. He asked what’s wrong? I said I’ll tell him next time he’s at the house.
“You’ll probably laugh at me. 😛 ”
“I always do. 🙂 ”

Damn. Set myself up for that one!
But, this is the banter I want. This is why I like him. 🙂

Stay tuned for the next installment of: Dee misses obvious cues from boys!

We go together

Like Pad Thai and potato salad.

So, I realize I haven’t really said much about Seth lately. Perhaps surprisingly, I haven’t really had much to complain about.
Ok, he let Emma’s medical bill from getting tubes in her ears slip through his fingers so that got a call from a collection agency… but he paid it at my prompting, and we agreed to split it. He rounded down my half to compensate for his “failing to adult.”

But yeah, that’s really it.
I guess all that time in therapy paid off to make me a more well-adjusted person.

We had a hot couple days last weekend, so I took Emma swimming. The last time I even invited Seth. And Cat.
That’s right, we went swimming with my ex-husband and his mistress girlfriend. She’s actually really nice, but most importantly, she loves Emma. More grown ups loving her is not a bad thing.

So while we were in the pool, Cat invited me to a family get-together thing for this weekend. It was supposed to be at the park, but rain happened, so instead it stayed at their house. Well, Seth’s house, which Cat is about to move into. (Oh yeah, there’s that too).
Two of Cat’s siblings were there, along with an extra toddler, her mother (from what I’ve heard, also a narcissist like my mother) and her grandmother. And Cat’s son, Ryan.
I wanted to play with the other toddler (a little younger than Emma) but felt a little awkward. Thankfully, I think that was the most awkwardness I felt. Weeeeelllllll, ok, it’s still a little awkward when I see Seth & Cat PDAs… but I can count on three fingers how many times I’ve seen obvious ones with them–and two were today. Two arm touches, and one quick smooch (that I heard, not so much saw).

But yeah, this little boy. He’s my… ex-husband’s girlfriend’s nephew? My ex’s possibly-future nephew? Emma’s possibly-future step-cousin?  He was super cute, I just felt a little weird wanting to play with a small child I had so little connection to. So I didn’t really interact with him much.

ANYwho. There was a point here somewhere.
Seth told me it would be a barbecue. I offered to bring something, and I asked what he was making. Then I said, “nevermind, you’re probably not going to make something that doesn’t go with potato salad.”
Well. Cooking entirely inside, they made Pad Thai, and a curry dish. But, since I didn’t have any leftover potato salad to take home, I consider it a win. 🙂

So, yeah. It may be unconventional, and occasionally slightly uncomfortable… but Emma is going to have a big, weird family that loves her to pieces.

In some of my school reading, I came across a term I rather liked: binuclear family. I like the concept, and I know my little girl will be much more well adjusted that mommy and daddy don’t hate each other, and presumably don’t hate each others’ partners.

I joke about it, but it’s in that “haha, no really” kind of way. I’m glad my parents taught me how NOT to get divorced.

And, I guess I have to add that Seth has played a big part in this, too. He’s financially generous, and willing to negotiate, whether it’s money or switching nights with Emma. I don’t know what I’d do if I’d had to fight to get money from him.
I’m glad he’s not a total d-bag. And I’m glad that Cat is not an evil step-mother figure… as much as I might want to hate her, it’s really about Emma.