So, my husband is a sex addict. I didn’t know that, exactly, at the time of discovery, but I obviously knew something was up. That conversation I found on his phone was just the tip of the iceberg. And now I had a dilemma: how to confront my husband about what I’d found, without telling him why I found it.
But that didn’t matter, I needed more information first. I snooped and I scoured any byte of information I could get from his phone. I even returned his phone to the charger once or twice, only to pace and process and then think of somewhere I hadn’t looked yet. There was an entire Pandora’s box of secret Email accounts, conversations, naughty pictures, links, and so on.
Finally after snooping to my satisfaction, and composing my lie, I woke his sorry ass up and confronted him. “Who the F$#K is N?” [I don’t even want to waste the energy giving her a fake name, so she’s N for Nameless]
I’ll pause here, because in a weird way I’m almost proud of the lie I’d constructed. Maybe that’s the addict in me. But anyway.
If he asked why I was looking, I was going to tell him it was because of Candy Crush (not entirely a lie). If you’re not familiar with it, it’s a freemium game. It’s free, but you can spend real money for upgrades. Every so many levels, you need to get “tickets” to advance… which you can either get from 3 different friends in the game, or pay for. He and I were both heavily addicted to the game. Such that I created profiles for each of our cats, so I could log in as them and send either of us a ticket if real friends were too slow. But we’d also both used each others’ phones to send ourselves tickets. So, by my account, I was on his phone to send myself a ticket from his account.
Brilliant. I’d also like to point out that, maybe especially thanks to recovery, I eventually told him the whole truth.
Back to the story. I don’t remember much of the next few hours. He lied and minimized, and I believed him, thinking “oh, it’s not that big a deal!” But still I barely slept. I tried to kick him out of the bedroom, but my codependency was so strong that I don’t think I lasted even an hour.
I went to work, and couldn’t even concentrate on my gambling. I found out a few days later that I was so out of it that I’d managed to piss off one of our regular customers pretty bad. I was pissed off, and pissing away money. I didn’t want to go home, even when he asked me to — which is something he almost never did.
When I got home, he told me a little more about what he’d done, that it hadn’t all been virtual, there had been some intimate contact with another person. At that point I had to leave. He begged me not to go, wailing like I’d never seen him, but I had to get out.
I picked up my favorite fast food dinner, and drove to a hotel. I sat in that parking lot for a good 10-15 minutes. I even checked the rates on my phone. But, ever the codependent, ultimately I drove back home.
We resolved to go to a couple’s therapist. He’d found one who was familiar with sex addiction (was that really a thing?) who could see us the next day. And somewhere in there I decided I’d go to my first GA meeting afterward.