Denial isn’t a river in Egypt

I heard that quote at a meeting the other day, and I really liked it.

So, back to our regularly scheduled experience, strength and hope.

Where did I leave off?  I had just found GA.  If there was only one thing I came away from that first meeting with, it was: I need to quit my job.  So I put in my two weeks notice, and quit.  I still gambled those last two weeks.  But, anyway.

As for my marriage, I moved back into Denialand.  The scenery had changed slightly, but it was the same place.  I could not WAIT for things to get back to “normal.”  Ok, great!  We’ve faced my addiction, and his, everything will be all better now!  And to show that things were better, I wanted to resume the status quo.  Pretty much go back to the way things were.  I insisted my husband get an STD test, and that we wouldn’t have sex until the results came back.  I could barely wait for the results to come back.

We saw that couples therapist twice.  The first session seemed really good… laying a framework for getting our marriage back on track.  The second session, not so much.  For someone who specializes in sex addiction, it really felt like he was trying to place the blame on me.  “Why did you gamble so much?”  I got very anxious and uncomfortable, and we never went back.  Oh, he was also quite pretentious.

Anyway, so my personal therapist encouraged me to try and get my husband to go to SAA: Sex Addicts Anonymous.  Which I did.  And he did go.  Occasionally.

I thought things were fine.  Things seemed so much better.  We were communicating more.  There was a lot more sex, and it was awesome!  (I think this is common in the second trimester)

So I went on bed rest for the last month or so of my pregnancy.  And then I had a hell of a labor/birth.  That’s an entirely different story, but it was really rough, and I’d even say traumatic.

Baby girl was born, and those first few months were chaotic, amazing, and exhausting.  A bit after she was born, I was hospitalized, twice!, for a complication from the Cesarean.

There was probably some new baby euphoria or whatever for the two of us in there.  Who knows.  But I thought we were doing well.

We’d faced miscarriage, two addictions, a difficult pregnancy and birth, and a frustrating medical complication.  That was all behind us!  We could move on, and be one happy little family!

But as our anniversary approached, I realized I still didn’t trust him.  I confronted him about something I’d found snooping (part of my other, codependency-related, addiction) which turned out to not be an issue.  But that’s where I realized I didn’t trust him.

“But you never slept with any of them?” I asked.  Up until this point, he’d insisted his intimate activity hadn’t crossed that line.  “No,” he said.  “Would you tell me if you did?”  “No.  [pause]  I did.”


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