So at this point, we’re both in recovery. I think that’s great! I have hope! We are both doing a LOT of work, for ourselves, and for the marriage. I’m in therapy, he’s in therapy, we’re in couple’s therapy!
And then we went to the International Convention for our associated fellowships…
Ok, to be fair, he had a slip before we left. Nothing major, but still a slip, by his program’s definition of sobriety. And I told him I didn’t need to know every time he slipped. I also asked him to sleep downstairs. This was about a week before the convention.
We visited his parents around the convention — they knew exactly why we were there. I still didn’t want to share a bed with him. This is only marginally important, you’ll see why later.
Anyway, the convention was awesome. An intense experience. If you’re in a 12-step program, and have the opportunity to go to one, I highly recommend it.
Being in such an… awesome, safe place, full of people in recovery… followed by time with the in-laws, was not entirely well thought out.
Ok, I’m trying to cut to the chase, here. I thought I started to see a decline in his behavior after the conference, but if I think about it, it was really starting before. Regardless, it comes out in couples therapy that after our trip, his family questioned him, wondering if I was really as invested in the marriage as he was.
I’m sorry, WHAT? I’m doing anything and everything to see if the marriage can work, and I haven’t left his sorry ass yet, and they think I’m not invested?? Man. I’m still working on my anger over that one.
Anyway, so that’s the reason he gave our therapist for why it seemed like his sobriety was on the decline. Honestly, when you’re an addict, there are a million reasons. But at the end of the day… those were his choices.
So in the interests of not dragging this story on any longer… there are lots of examples, and stories, and whatever. Point is, it was clear his sobriety was slipping, and he was on the road to relapse.
The turning point for me was when he broke my computer.
I had just come home from my therapist (so admittedly might have been a bit raw), and had asked him to go to the post office while I was gone. He didn’t. I check my computer, and see the post office is about to close, so I rush out, and then pick up my prescription. I’m gone maybe half an hour. In that time, the baby had been trying to play with the computer, so rather than any number of rational options, he puts it UPSIDE DOWN and open on the back of the couch. Well, the hard drive was fried when I got home.
That ultimately led to my moving out. He doesn’t respect me, or my property. Which was shortly followed by The Haircut. And shortly after that, I found out he was back in contact with some… previous acquaintances. Even kissed one of them. Doesn’t see anything wrong with that.
So once I grew the balls, I told him I want a divorce. We are in the earliest stages there, or at least I am… I’ve only just consulted with a lawyer. We’ve talked about it, and agree nobody benefits from rushing things, and the more we can work out ourselves, the less we have to pay lawyers. But it’s just a matter of time, and motivation. Ideally, I’ll have a job, and my own health insurance before we get divorced.
I’m glad he’s being so amicable, though.
But, yeah, that’s where we are now. And I feel like I just kinda rushed the wrap up here so I could make my next post. But I’m pretty sure I hit all the highlights. 😉