Is triggers are terrible things!
So I went on a date last night.
That’s right, barely heading into negotiations on my divorce, and I went on a fucking date. What’s WRONG with me?
Well, there are no excuses. I’m an addict. I am responsible for my choices. But, to be fair, I was pretty triggered…About two weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I invited the husband over. He declined, and said we should hang out another time. I made the mistake of asking if he was busy. He told me he’d gone out for a drink.
And there you have it. I’m pretty sure he’s on a date. I’m smart enough not to ask for more details, but I’m almost positive that’s what it meant.
This triggered me in ways I did not expect. I guess I don’t know what I was expecting… maybe something more along the lines of making me want to gamble. THAT I’d expect. But, no.
It made me realize how much I miss sex. And by that, I mean, I wanted to look for anonymous sex on the internet (which is what HE did). *sigh*
So I looked. All the posts I saw that were blatantly for anonymous sex pretty much disgusted me. But I kept looking. And that’s when I found one looking for “friends with benefits.” Light switch for the addict brain! I miss sex, but I’m not ready for a relationship, and I don’t want completely meaningless anonymous sex, so FWB is the perfect compromise! BINGO! Better yet, it was a single dad looking for a single mom! IT WAS ADDRESSED TO ME, IT’S A SIGN!~
I replied. I don’t know what came over me, but I did. Just to see what would happen! The same way I clicked on the links “just to see what would happen.”
So Paul* and I exchanged a few witty Emails. He seems like a nice guy. We have a lot in common (Hey, you’re a geek, and you like sex? I’m a geek, too, and I like sex, too!! WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON!) etc. etc.
And then all of a sudden, poof! He’s gone. No reply. Now, at some point in the last month I read an article about “ghosting.” Basically, the internet has made it so much easier, and thus more common, for people to just disappear when they want to break up and don’t want to do it in person. So I figure that’s what happened. Maybe I said something he didn’t like, or someone more promising had replied. Ok, sucks, but whatever.
So this is Friday. I should also point out that I was at a GA conference last weekend. It’s Friday night, I’m horny, lonely, and have a hotel room all to myself. So what do I do? I go back to the internet. This time I answer a flat out anonymous sex post. I’m looking through, and I’m like, “DAMN he’s hot!!” That was the entire criteria. I barely even read the ad itself.
Wait, wait. Let me just be a little more explicit here. I’m in a hotel for my 12-step conference, because I’m an addict, and all I can think about is anonymous sex!
Anyway, learning from the one I replied to first… I say I’m looking for FWB.
Maybe he won’t reply!
He did. We traded a few Emails and pics. I find out that he’s older than I thought (but I guess still in the realm of possibility), and realize he may be pretty but his lack of punctuation/grammar/capitalization etc. does not bode well for his intelligence. “when can you come over.” Period, no caps. That’s when I say “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA.” So, I just poof! That’s that, I don’t answer. I figure it’s karma, since that’s what happened to me!
Throughout the day Saturday, my senses are starting to return. Maybe it was all the meetings I went to for the conference. Who knows. I’m probably better off right now, not dealing with this sort of nonsense. I delete both Email threads, and say I’m going to deactivate the account I’d recently made on a dating site (which is, at least in theory, a better medium). Side note: I had also send messages to 2 guys on that dating site around that weekend–no replies. Yeah, I didn’t deactivate it.
Saturday night, I’m compulsively checking my Email on my phone, as I’ve been doing all weekend. And I get another Email from Paul. He apologized for taking so long to write back, but shit had happened. Goodbye, willpower! He gives me his number!!
I duck out from that evening’s entertainment. I probably wouldn’t have stayed anyway, but still. So I hurry back to my hotel room, so I can read the Email, and text him. No response. >.< So I Email, and say, “hey, I texted you, but it’s kinda late! Here’s my number!” Boom! We start texting! Then actually *talking* on the phone, for like an hour and a half. It’s going well. And we make plans to meet up Thursday.