Leaving Never Never Land

Hi, my name is Dee, and I’m a Sex and love addict, codependent, and compulsive gambler.

The house of addiction has many doors, and right now I’m trying to remodel three of the bedrooms.  If I’m truly honest with myself, I’m sure I qualify for many different programs.  OA (overeaters anonymous) is the first that comes to mind.  I joke that if I drank more, I’d be an alcoholic… but I’m only half joking.  But for now I’m trying to work on what I see as the biggest issues, and hope that with all that help, I’ll be better equipped to deal with other things that are (hopefully) less likely to get me into trouble.

There’s a reading we do at every GA meeting, and the part I’ve tried to take to heart most these days is: One day at a time.  Don’t try to solve all your problems at once.

So, anyway, I’m diving head first into SLAA.  I’m still reluctant.  I know I need to be there, but I don’t WANT to need to be there.  I wish I weren’t so broken.

When I say dove head first, I really mean it.  I’ve been to at least one meeting every day since my date.  At the first one I went to, I found a temporary sponsor.  He’s going to kick my ass.  But in a good way, in a way that I need… the same sort of way Sid does.  Except, at least Sid offers a pretty face to look at, as I mentioned earlier. 😛  My sponsor is older, retired, and has dedicated his life to recovery and helping others through the 12-steps.

Anywho.  I feel like I had a lot more to say about this, but I’m blanking.  I think I’m growing less willful and reluctant with each meeting.  I know that at some point I will look forward to the meetings, but I think that’s a ways off yet.

I’m only a few days in, and I can already say: sobriety is HARD.  I don’t miss gambling.  But all my negative behaviors… obsessing, fantasizing, snooping… I feel kind of defenseless right now.

Well, today I experienced one of the gifts of recovery.  A little while ago, I was puttering around making food, and I spontaneously thought: today was a good day!

Whoa, where did that come from?  In fact, something pretty shitty happened today.  The word is triggered.  Man, does it suck.  I went back to the house to get some of my things, while Seth and Emma are out of town for Thanksgiving.  One of my “bottom line” behaviors is snooping, so I steeled myself: I am not going to snoop.  I am NOT going to snoop!  And I didn’t!  The door to Seth’s bedroom was even closed, and I was like “Thanks HP!  Way to make it clear I shouldn’t go in there and snoop!”

So I didn’t snoop, and I still got GD triggered!  I went in the master to get the random things I’d come for–mostly shoes.  As I’m walking out, I look over to what used to be his bedside table when we shared the room.

The bottom drawer is open.  Wide open.  The condoms are gone.

MOTHERFUCKER.  What the actual fuck?!  Not only is he dating, but he’s already having sex?!  What the fuck is WRONG with him!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?  Not to mention, he’s continuing his habit of not closing cabinets/drawers/etc.  If he’d just closed the damn drawer I never would have known.

I go downstairs, and make program calls and texts — all voicemail/unavailable.  I pace around, frantically trying to pack up what I want to take with me.  “I need to get the fuck out of here.  I need to get the FUCK out of here!”  Somewhere along the way I’d lost the remote to my DVD player, which I insisted on going back and searching for.  After another 10-15 minutes, I gave up.  Get it later, or buy a new one.

I’m trying to cram everything into my suitcase and backpack, so it’s all in one place.  Finally I realize, “fuck it!  Just throw it in the car, and get the FUCK out of here!”  I finally listen to myself, and leave.  Almost get hit pulling out of the driveway because I’m in such a rush.

I curse, and fume the whole 5 minute drive home, even threw my water bottle in anger while I was stopped at a red light.

I get home, yet another program call–my very first one in SLAA… yet another voicemail.  Finally I call my GA sponsor, even though I’d already spoken with her earlier in the day about something completely different.  I’ve now been through my most-trusted people in all three of my programs… and thankfully she answers.  Toward the end of that call, my new SLAA friend calls me back.

As stubborn and obstinate as I am about needing that program, she was probably the most helpful person to deal with that specific situation.  I was able to admit all the stupid things being triggered made me want to do–and here’s the important part–instead of just going and doing them like I might have in the past!  Holy shit.

Anyway.  So I got horribly triggered.  Had a pretty shitty hour or so today.  And yet here I am at the end of the night reflecting that it was a good day?  What??

And tomorrow I’m having Thanksgiving dinner with some of my new recovery friends from SLAA.  I am so grateful that I won’t be alone on Thanksgiving!

Oh, and my husband is a delusional piece of shit bastard motherfucker.  I know, I know… he is a sick person, not a bad person.  But I am well within my right to be fucking angry.  Feeling my feelings, that’s kind of new too.  While the anger itself doesn’t feel good, I think being able to feel it does.

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2 thoughts on “Leaving Never Never Land

  1. Good for you calling your program contacts. And not being alone on a holiday. Are you in therapy? Getting to the root of what is driving all the addictions is a good thing. Sorry for sounding preachy, but I have just been through 10 months of hell with my sex addict husband and although he loves his SA group and they are always there for him so he doesn’t feel alone… they really understand, his real progress has been in therapy where he is getting to the core of his childhood wounds and all the things that drive the addiction: separation anxiety, anger, resentment, control, etc….

    And, I can absolutely relate to the leaving the drawers open thing! OMG that drives me insane. We have a tall cabinet in our bathroom that has seven drawers. Sometimes I go into the bathroom and every single drawer is open and all at varying degrees of openness. It makes me want to scream! Happy Thanksgiving to you!

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    • Thank you! 🙂 Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

      I do have a therapist. Pardon my french, but he is a fucking boss. Check out my last post, Triggers Part 2. He totally talked me down from my own addict wanting to act out sexually/romantically. “Sure, you could do those things, and you might not be in crisis. But your recovery would be at risk.” All day the next day those words played on repeat in my head, “your recovery would be at risk.” He’s been a huge help, and I have him to thank for kicking my ass into SLAA. We’ve done some significant (and painful) digging into my past, but it’s a slow process… you can only dig so deep before you need to take a breath and let the dirt settle, before going in and digging some more.

      OMG yes! Drawers, cabinets! I swear he never learned how to close any of them! Is it an addict thing?? Drives me bonkers!!

      I’m reading through your blog, and just wanted to give you some big *hugs.* This is one of many clubs nobody wants to belong to. Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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