Are you happy now? How is it now? Are you happy now?

Maybe one day I won’t feel the need to use something clever, generally lyrics, as my post titles.  Apparently that day is not today.

I think I’ve expressed this before.  It’s really hard to see him happy.  Like, really hard.  He thinks he’s happier than he’s ever been!  And maybe he is.  Ignorance is bliss.

Me?  I feel like shit.

My sponsor says: First you start to feel better, then you start to feel worse, then you start to feel recovery.

Well, I’m still in that middle one.  Can’t we just skip to the end?

Also, holy shit I can not miss meetings the way I did this week!I don’t know what it was, maybe seeing him happy, maybe stress from job-stuff, maybe the holidays… but good lord, my addict took over tonight.

I don’t really have a usual Monday night meeting anymore.  I skipped my Tuesday night meeting because that was the only time I could schedule with my therapist–that session may warrant another post.  No regular Wednesday night meeting either.  And I skipped my Thursday meeting because I felt like I had way too much to do before my job interview this morning–also another post.

So here it is Friday night, and I hadn’t been to a meeting since Sunday.  My usual Friday meeting (which I’m Intergroup rep for) is at 8, about 20ish minutes away.  So about 7, I message Paul.  Yeah, the guy I went on that date with, we made out, and then I told him sleeping with him would be fun but a bad idea.  I hadn’t spoken to him since that night, either.

Well, for one, he lives in the same part of town as that Friday meeting.  And for another, I had literally just noticed that he works for a company I’d applied for a number of jobs at.  So I had a reason to message him!  Right HP??

Yeah, no, pretty sure HP is not telling me to find an excuse to act out in my addiction.

But, hey, at least I have good taste in my bad decisions!  Paul is a good guy.  He did the right thing last time, and he did it again this time.  I was literally yelling at my phone tonight, “say the right thing, Paul!  Say the right thing!”  While in my head, my addict is screaming, “no, say the wrong thing!!”  But in the end, he said the right thing.  And then topped it off with telling me something that killed any remote possibility I still had in my brain of having sex with him tonight.  Thanks HP!  I got the message!

Oof.  I’m going to an SLAA meeting tomorrow.  And every day I can after that.  My mom will be visiting for Christmas, and I already told her I want to go to a lot of meetings while she watches the baby.

Because good grief I can NOT go that long without a meeting.  My addict takes over.  It was probably even my addict finding an excuse to not go last night.


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