How’s that working for you? What? Being clever.

I’m trying not to turn this blog into nothing but: My therapist is awesome, and I’m learning so much in therapy!  Honestly, aside from maybe being a better fit than previous therapists, I imagine all my work in recovery has an effect… and vice versa.

Ok, long story short… this morning I was anxious about an Email to Sid, because I was pointing out a mistake he’d made (on his website, not in our sessions) which was at least tangentially related to the primary reason for the message.  I recognized “don’t piss off mommy” mode, because correcting my mother NEVER yielded positive results… so, I finally sucked it up and sent it.  This morning I was anxious about it, by tonight I was kind of a wise ass to him about it, lol.  PROGRESS!  Oh yeah, and I feel clever.  Mostly for the wise ass comment, but also for figuring this stuff out.

Grandpa Shut Up

Anyway, this week was Christmas.  I invited my mother out.  For a whole week.  Whoa.  What was I thinking?  More progress, it is a serious sign of recovery that I even have any relationship with her at all, and am not still consumed by my anger.  I recognize that there’s anger, disappointment, grief, and so on, that I may not have fully processed… but, progress not perfection.

I feel like I learned a lot in a short period of time…Maybe because I went to a crapload of meetings.  But part of it was having my mother here for so long, observing her behaviors, and realizing: OHHH, THAT’S where I got that from!

She beats herself up for even tiny mistakes, such as putting the baby’s diaper on wrong.  Ok, so the pee leaked.  We change her clothes, and the diaper.  NBD.  It certainly seemed like one to her…

Almost every time I was speaking, she interrupted me to try and finish my sentence.  More often than not, she was wrong.

Both bad habits I’m working on, and definitely feel like I do far less than I used to.  But it’s interesting to see where they came from.

Seriously, I’m amazed almost every day how much I’m learning about myself.  Strangely enough, the more I get to know myself, the more I like me.  It’s weird.

I could go on and on.  But I’m running out of steam, and need to sleep.

So instead I’ll just touch on one of my biggest revelations I had lately.

I’m afraid of intimacy.  That comes up often in one of the SLAA readings, so I’d heard it plenty of times.  But it wasn’t until I witnessed it firsthand that it clicked.  I did something, then stepped back and thought, “that was weird… why am I doing that?  Oh.  Wow.  I’m afraid of intimacy.”

So, I ran into an attractive guy at a meeting, and realized I was afraid to talk to him.  Because for some reason, I think sex comes first, then relationship, then somewhere in there love and intimacy.  I recognize that this is a flawed way of thinking (to put it mildly), and eventually go on to have a conversation with him that’s entirely appropriate, with no hints or intents of “let’s go on a date/have sex/etc.”  Whoa.  Getting to know people (specifically attractive men) without sex or romance as a driving force?  What a novel concept!

Similarly, this is why I haven’t asked Sid much of a personal nature.  Because I find him attractive.  I can sit there and talk about pretty much anything related to me.  But if we were to have a meaningful conversation where I find something out about him?  That’s reciprocating intimacy.  (Not in a romantic sense, in this context)

Maybe that’s one thing that makes him a good match.  He’s a safe person to work on boundaries with.  I can learn to value attractive men as people, even when there is no chance of sex or romance.

So at our session yesterday, I closed by asking about where he grew up.  I had a good idea, based on accent, but figured having a conversation was better than an assumption.  Personal, but not super deep, and an entirely appropriate subject.  It was uncomfortable, but I did it.  I am learning!



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