There’s only one step we have to do perfectly, and that’s Step 1.  They should really put a warning sign in front of it, because it’s a doozy!

Step 1: Admitted we were powerless over [gambling, sex and love addiction, another person’s sex addiction, alcoholism, the list goes on and on] addiction.

Ok.  Yup.  I’m powerless.  Woohoo!  I’m done!  On to step two!

Wait, not so fast. >.<

So I’m doing Step 1 with my SLAA sponsor.  I’ve done Step 1 twice before, in GA and my Anon program.  While both took work and reflection, they were nothing, NOTHING compared to SLAA.

Basically, I sit down with my sponsor for an hour and a half once a week, and go through my entire life, as best I can remember, and that’s not always chronological.  It’s intense.  So every Sunday I go through and relive lots of little traumas (my mom’s temper tantrum over not liking her Christmas presents one year) and the big ones, too (Psycho Steve).

It’s triggering, and leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable.  But it’s also cathartic.  To share those experiences with another person, and even see an outsider’s perspective, observing common themes.

There have been two big themes for me so far.  One is a lack of supervision… I behaved in pretty reckless ways with boys when I was younger, and that might not have happened if I’d had proper supervision.  The other is emotional abandonment.  Sure, Mom said the words “I love you,” but her actions didn’t really match that.  I’ve only just realized that not only was she the most important person to herself when I was growing up (and still is), she was always the most important person to everyone else in the family, too.  Both my Dad, and my two brothers.  She still is.

My fear of abandonment runs super duper deep.  I remember asking Seth nearly every day, “do you love me?” “of course I do!” “no matter what?” “no matter what!”  I needed constant validation, and reassurance that he wasn’t going to leave.  Little did I know, he’d been emotionally checked out our entire relationship.

I know I’ve talked a lot about Sid, my therapist.  I feel like he has helped me so much in the last 6 months or so that we’ve been working together.  More than my previous therapist of almost 4 years.  He seems to care about me (presumably only to an extent appropriate for a therapist) but more importantly he helps me.  He wants to help me.  Me.  Little old me.  This feels like such a new concept for me.  I worry that I don’t deserve it.  I also worry that I’m going to do something to screw it up, and he’s going to drop me as a client… abandon me.

I don’t deserve his help, so of course I’m going to do something to screw it up.

On some level I know that’s entirely untrue, but it’s such a deep-rooted fear, I’m really having trouble shaking it.

Man.  Recovery is hard.  Working on myself is hard.  But I sure as shit can’t go back to the way things were.


4 thoughts on “Perfect

  1. The only way out the other side, is plowing straight through the tough stuff. Your fear of even your therapist abandoning you speaks volumes to where your wounds are, but you know this. Keep reminding yourself how great you are and how worth it!!!


    • Thank you for your kind words! 🙂 One part of my SLAA program is daily affirmations. I don’t always say them all, but they go like this:
      I am a good and worthwhile person. I deserve recovery. I deserve to be happy. I deserve love and respect. My feelings are valid. I am enough. Because if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
      (Thanks RuPaul for that last line!)
      And, you’re right, my fear of abandonment is incredibly strong and deep. I even had a dream about my therapist a few weeks ago, where he was passing me off to work with a colleague. I was very distraught. 😦


      • My husband has had all the same thoughts and feelings, and same affirmations too! He also suffers from fear of abandonment and separation anxiety. Going back into his childhood in therapy, they figure he was neglected from birth… and he comes from a very wealthy family. My husband is a successful CEO running his own company with many employees, traveling the world, hundreds of friends and business associates, and yet he also asked me constantly if “I loved him” or “if I thought he was a good lover” and begged me “never to leave him.” Geez, you would think I would have had a clue, but no, I just thought how could such a successful man be so insecure. It all goes back to childhood, so that is where we all have to start in the healing process. That is where I learned to be strong, self sufficient, and a nurturer. That is where he learned exactly the opposite, not to mention his parents made him feel inadequate, so he never felt good enough, no matter how good he was. Thus, the secret addictive life. 😦 .


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