Ow.

So I’m at a convention this weekend.  I’ve been to a few various conventions, regional, international, and a few retreats.  I’ve never regretted any of them.  They’re such a powerful experience.

People share their experience, strength and hope.  Right now I feel like there couldn’t be a more accurate description.  It’s intense to be surrounded, supported even, by so much recovery.  Hearing their experiences, so many things I resonate with, and to hear other peoples’ strength gives me strength, and hope.

I just came from lunch, and there was a speaker after the food was served.  I don’t know how relevant whatever she was sharing was to my revelation, but about halfway through I realized something huge.

I spent the first part of the share wanting to text Seth, to ask him, “would you get back into recovery if you thought it might save our marriage?”

Why would I want to ask him this?

Then I realized.  He never put up a fight.
I told him I wanted to move out, he said he thought it was a good idea.
I told him I want a divorce, he said ok.

He didn’t make any efforts to change my mind.  No effort to work on the marriage.

My lawyer, Carol, had told me there would probably be one of two likely responses to my telling him I want a divorce.  “Oh, you were serious?!?!  Give me a chance, I can make it better!!” trying hard to fix it.  The other more angry and intense, “So that’s how it’s gonna be?  Ok then!” fighting me tooth and nail every step of the way… the “scorched earth” sort of divorce my parents had.

Yeah, she forgot about option three: quiet acceptance.  Maybe with a little apathy.

How could I mean that little to him, that he didn’t even try?

I’ve said many times before, I wasn’t that important to my mother, and so unsurprisingly I married someone I wasn’t important to.  But holy crap that realization really hurts.

He didn’t care enough to fight for me, for our marriage.  Presumably he still doesn’t.

I’m pretty sure he’s numbing out with a previous affair partner.  Regardless, I feel like he is lost deep in his addiction.  And as an addict, I know that when we are in the throes of addiction, logical thinking just isn’t there.

He chose his addiction over me.
That’s why he didn’t put up a fight.
But that doesn’t really make it any less painful.

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4 thoughts on “Ow.

  1. Ha, she’s an attorney, not a therapist :). Good for you for getting all that support and guidance. You know non-recovering addicts are rarely in touch with their feelings. Who knows what your husband really thinks about you. It’s all about you baby and how you view yourself. Keep getting strong. Your daughter needs you to be that happy, healthy role model. You are raising a new generation and she needs at least one recovering parent and you are it. Hugs!

    Like

    • Thanks, Kat! 🙂 Your words of encouragement really mean a lot to me. ❤
      I feel so much stronger than when I first found recovery a year and a half ago.
      I think since I've found the right "cocktail" of recovery, adding SLAA, my recovery and healing has made leaps and bounds. 🙂 Hard to believe it's only been 65 days! But who's counting? 😉

      Liked by 1 person

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