One is the loneliest parent

I don’t think I give myself enough credit for just how hard it is being a single parent.

I get so frustrated with baby girl when she won’t sleep.  Naps, bedtime, wake up in the middle of the night time.  If she fights sleep, which she has been, like hell lately, I start lose my shit.

I finally realized why.  I wasn’t supposed to do this alone.  I didn’t plan to do this alone.  Most parents have another parent to tap them out when things get tough.  Daddy’s not here for me to say, “I’ve been at this over an hour, you take her, I’m going to get some sleep.”

I didn’t want to do this alone.  Being a parent is hard.  I signed up for that, I wanted to be a mommy so bad.  Two years of heartache and frustration, two miscarriages, failed fertility treatments.  All I wanted was a baby.

I finally get one, and before she’s born I find out my entire marriage, and even the relationship before that, was a lie.

I love her more than anything in the world.  I often tell her, more than mashed potatoes, more than pumpkin pie.  She is so wonderful.

But I didn’t sign up to do this solo.  We were supposed to do this together.  He fucked that up.  Sure, I made questionable choices, and as I look closer at my past, my family of origin, and everything along the way, it’s very clear he was never a good choice for me.  But he’s the one who couldn’t keep it in his pants.

Even now, his addiction has a strong hold over him.

Leaving was a very difficult choice.  It was absolutely the right choice.  But holy shit this is hard.

At least this realization is making the decision to put Emma in daycare a lot easier to swallow.  I’ll have more time to figure out job and/or school stuff… right now I feel like all I have time for is baby and recovery.  Even when she’s napping, all I can do is either grab a nap myself, or do something mindless because I truly need a break.  Dishes?  Laundry?  Picking up the house?  Ha!  Those fall to the bottom of the priority list.

The other day Sid asked me, rather in-eloquently, if I was watching her full time while Seth works because that was just expected since I’m not working.  If either of us held that expectation, I’m pretty sure both he and I did.

Anyway, I’ll have more time, and she’ll make lots of new friends.  I know the socialization will be good for her, and presumably building an attachment to non-relative care givers will be good too.

I need room to breathe.

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