So I’m gearing up to do my first step share in SLAA. It’s been intense, sitting down with Chris and going over my whole life from birth to now. I have about… two years to go in the story, almost exactly. As a perfectionist, and over-achiever, I’ve been writing it (electronically) as we go. There are a few holes, but I have maybe 15 or so pages.
Last night I had an appointment with Sid, where I feel like I sort of did a mini 1st step share. I went over, in detail, little girl’s birth story, including the 3 years or so leading up to it, and just after. Man, it was intense.
One (of many) things I learned from it is–I think outline is the way to go. What I’ve written so far is full on word for word sentences as I would say them aloud. That might be useful in some cases, but I think it would flow more naturally if I just use an outline. I may also be less likely to use big fancy words to sound smart that way. 😉
I know I said this before, but I really like the message that sharing what bothers us takes away its power. Sharing is incredibly powerful. It took a while in recovery before I realized: other people are listening to what I say! I’m not just getting something out of other peoples’ shares, they’re listening to mine! I thought I was just sharing to get it off my chest! Well, that may be part of it, but yeah.
I feel like every share I’ve heard has at least a tiny piece of my story. Some have much bigger chunks. I’ve made a new blogfriend (*waves*) who’s also dealing with transference, and it makes me feel way less crazy. Like, OMG that’s exactly what I think/say/do!
It also has me debating whether or not to give Sid the link. I probably will. But I don’t want to censor myself. And at the same time, I don’t want to use it as a lazy (passive aggressive) way to tell him things I’m not able to (because shame? fear? whatever) in person.
Talking in gory detail about the traumas of the last 5+ years was was easier than:
linking him to the blog
talking about transference (fuck transference)
Hell, even asking what his favorite color was (purple–I actually did that one)
Anyway. Somewhere in there, my point was that I have gained so much through both sharing and hearing other peoples’ shares. Though sometimes it’s interesting to see what people say when they think nobody’s listening…
Edit to add: Heh, I just realized… I pay him to listen to me talk, not to read my Emails or read my blog. Maybe that’s why I try to avoid sharing much via Email.