Who am I?

I’m starting to see big changes in myself.  It’s unsettling, but in a good way, I think.  I know these changes haven’t happened overnight, but when I think about the person I was when I walked down the steps to my first GA meeting 19 months ago vs. the person I am today, holy shitsnacks!  Just since I started going to SLAA, I think my personal growth has gone up exponentially.  Has it *really* only been 80 days?  (But who’s counting!)  Though, I’ve been to 113 meetings in the last 80 days.  (But who’s counting!)  Yes, I am very much an over-achiever.

I’m not sure if I mentioned, but I recently applied for (free) training from the state as a counselor.  I was accepted for the training.  Now, I’m still impatient, that hasn’t changed.  But all of a sudden I find myself making all kinds of cold calls to try and get into a training.  Cold calls.  Ballsy!  Who IS this person?

And, asking for my adult needs.  It’s still hard.  But I’m doing it.  I recognize that something is hard, steel myself, take some deep breaths and do it.  Wow.  In the past I’d just meekly hide in the corner, ignoring my own needs–certainly not voicing them!  And then getting upset with other people for not reading my mind and fulfilling them.

Today, I told Chris that after I finish Step 1, I’m going to look for another sponsor.  In hindsight, perhaps I should have waited until the end of our session this afternoon, but he always asks how I’m feeling.  So I told him anxious.  Why anxious?  After fumbling around a bit, I told him.  He did not really take the news well.  I could tell he was kind of down the rest of our meeting, and at first I let it affect my own mood, etc.

Then as I’m thinking, I’m like, no, wait, I’m being a grown up and asking for my adult needs.  I need a sponsor that I feel like I can make a crisis call to.  He has a TON of sponsees.  Which, good for him, and good for them!  But I know he’s busy with them most of the day, and the one time I did make a crisis call, I never even got acknowledgment for the call, let alone a call back.  Maybe a week into program, I went to 3 meetings in one day.  (over-achiever!)  Meetings 2 and 3 both contained cute boys.  So I’m freaking out.  I talked to Cameron, and she asked if I’d called my other sponsor.  I said no, let me do that.  So I did, and I left a message, and nada.

I went to a very small high school.  I went to a relatively small private liberal arts college, and I’m grateful for that, because I don’t think I would have done well at a huge university, where I was just a number.  So to be one of Chris’s who knows how many (he does, but never tells) sponsees, I don’t think is the right fit for me.

Also, despite a great deal of time in the program, I think there are some things he could still learn acceptance over.  I don’t want to say anything bad about him, I do really like him.  But, yeah.  Hell, there are some things that I could definitely still stand to practice some acceptance with.  I’m still judging other peoples’ recovery.

Anyway, by the end of our session I realized I was annoyed that he didn’t understand I’d prefer a sponsor who can provide more personal attention.  So I called Cameron, haha.  And I also told her I didn’t think it’s fair to her, because I *always* call her when I need to talk to somebody.  I have no less than 4 phone lists in my purse, and countless other numbers saved in my phone.  But, she’s still my go-to.  Well, the point is I feel like she’s been my sponsor for both programs (even though she’s not in SLAA).  At least as far as the outreach calls go.

No matter how many times I’ve told a newcomer that if our number is on the list, we’re happy to accept a call, and if we’re busy we just won’t answer…  I still struggle with the outreach calls, because I don’t want to bother anyone.  I tell other people it’s not a bother, but don’t practice what I preach.  Maybe I should work on that.

P.S.  I figured giving Chris fair warning would be much more polite than waiting until I finished step one, and then: “bye!”  (Which was my first, cowardly instinct)

I think my self-confidence is growing.  My fear of intimacy is waning.  Slowly but surely.


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