I’m looking back on the last two weeks or so, and realizing that a lot has happened… good, and bad.
I stood up for my adult needs, and told Chris I was planning to seek a new sponsor after Step 1.
Chris then went to dump me via Email.
Another member, Heather*, stood up for me to Chris.
Chris ate a small piece of humble pie, still drowning in ego, but nevertheless he will see me through Step 1.
I interviewed for a volunteer position, and assuming references & background check come back, I’m in! (Not worried about either)
I was incredibly brazen and persistent about the state-run counselor training… the squeaky wheel gets the oil, I’m pretty sure I’ll be going to training in March!
I (inadvertently) doorknobbed the transference issue with Sid, and completely shut down into shame.
I got a first draft of my divorce papers.
I let my impatience win, and stopped second-guessing myself enough to meet with Sid again, to close the awful cliffhanger of shame.
Where to start? I’m more confident, and taking more chances. I’m finding my voice, and asking for my adult needs.
Know what feels the best of all those things? I am loved! The day after Heather stood up for me, I added these to my daily affirmations: I am loving, I am loveable, I am loved, and I love myself today! That last one is still a little difficult to accept, well, I guess they all are, but yeah.
I was so incredibly touched that Heather would stand up for me, not knowing me very well except that I am her sister in recovery. So much overwhelming gratitude, joy, and love for that.
And finally, there’s Sid. I met with him last night, a mere 48 hours after our last session. I just couldn’t sit with that shame any longer. I’m actually glad I gave in to my impatience, because I feel so SO much better after our session last night. I got the “no” that I was looking for from him, and he managed to do it in the most gentle, but firm way, while still staying neutral. Bravo, Sid, bravo!
I think I’m also accepting that he does care about me, and no matter how deep my fear of abandonment runs, he still cares about me, and isn’t planning to desert me. I mean, I picture it kind of like a doctor… caring, nurturing whatever, but with a professional level of detachment.
I think that’s all I got. Yeah, people care about me. Which is weird to finally see. I want to surround myself with those who love me, rather than those whose love I seek.