Que sera, sera

Whew.  I’ve been busy.

I’ve spent the last week+ doing all sorts of self care / “treat yo self” things.

I’ve dyed and cut my hair, had my eyebrows waxed, bought clothes, bought make-up (and had two “free” makeovers from the Macy’s Lancome counter, but of course I bought stuff so they weren’t really free).  I did my nails!  Oh.  I paid someone to clean my apartment.  It felt amazing… once I got over the guilt / shame of admitting I needed help, and that’s ok.

Welcome to me actually giving a shit!  About myself, my appearance, my apartment!  I’m becoming a functioning human being!
Side note: when I put even a modicum of effort into my appearance, people notice.  (The guy at Target flirting with me I mentioned last post)

Thursday, I got news that I have finally gotten into that training!!  YAY!  It’s at the end of April… about 3 1/2 hours away.  And it overlaps with my volunteer training, which is Mon & Wed 6-9pm for 6 weeks or so.  This training is 40 hours, 9-6, M-F.  So, that Monday and Wednesday I’m going to rush back to my hotel room to hop on the training (it’s remote).  Busy week!  That’s a lot of recovery training all crammed in together.  Better yet, the 40hr training is the Youth & Family oriented one, which I had a strong preference for.

Friday I gave my first step share.  It was incredible.  Intense, and intensely rewarding.  If you’d told me a year ago I would be sitting in a room sharing my whole life’s story, including all my sexual / romantic escapades, with a group of people… I’d have told you that you were crazy.

First, Chris (my former sponsor) was not there.  My interpretation of that is that he’s butthurt over my dropping him as a sponsor.  There was quite a bit of drama around all this, once I found out on Thursday night (from someone else) that he wouldn’t be there.  In my anger I reached out to someone I thought I’d wanted to ask to be my sponsor.  I’ve said before that one of the gifts of recovery is that I can reach out to someone and tell them the crazy things I want to do, so they can talk me down, instead of just going and impulsively doing them.  I wrote a … pretty not-sober paragraph about Chris that I’d thought of putting into my share.  At the end of the day, I wasn’t really going to put it in there… but I was venting.  It just kind of increased all the drama, adding this woman to the list of people in the drama.  She had said earlier that she didn’t think she was ready to sponsor, but would be soon, so I was hoping to wait.  Now, not so much.
So anyway, Chris didn’t come.  Which was clearly not the way I’d expected the event to go… but it went exactly the way it was supposed to.  Three friends (two recovery, one not) were there.

Sid was there.  I said to my GA sponsor shortly before the meeting, “oh shit, I invited my therapist.  And he said YES, and he’s coming!”  Lol.  I am honestly incredibly grateful, and touched, that he went out of his way to come.
After the meeting was over, all three of my friends gave me a hug in succession.  So then I went over to Sid and ofcourseIwantedtohughim but Iknewthatwasn’tthepointofhimcoming and hedoesn’thughisclients… so I extended my hand for a handshake instead.  Maybe he would’ve let me, but the last thing I needed at that point was to fall into shame if he said no.  It was a very firm handshake, and he told me it took a lot of courage to share all that. 🙂  (A lot of courage, and he said in an Email that “it’s a feat,” == I’m proud of you, but I’m a blank screen that would never explicitly express my emotions)  We’ll see how it goes when we debrief the whole thing at our session Monday.

After I was done… holy shit, emotional exhaustion.  That’s the only way I can describe it.  It felt like a huge letdown… not in a bad way, just sort of crashing from a huge adrenaline rush, and being incredibly, incredibly vulnerable.  I’m so glad we had fellowship afterward, dinner then coffee, to kind of ground me before I went home.

Last night was my Single Parents Meetup.  It was a blast!  My addict is still alive and well, as I spent most of the first two hours obsessively checking the website / my Email to see if there was an update as to why Aaron*, the cute, sober guy from last time (get it?  AAron?  Oh, I’m so clever!) wasn’t there.  Once the guy hosting found out that Aaron had to cancel last minute, I could stop obsessing, and had a lot more fun. 😛  Hey, what does that tell me?  Obsessing =/= fun!

Seriously, even as the only one not drinking, it was SO MUCH FUN!  Between speaking for an hour giving my share Friday night, lots of chatting at fellowship after, and tons of talking and laughing etc. last night… I literally have no voice right now.  (My stuffy nose / sore throat also implies I might be getting sick >.< )

There was also a new cute boy there last night, James*.  We talked a little… I’m getting better at having so-called normal conversations with cute boys, like, “Where do you live?  How many kids do you have?”

Regardless, it’s improvement that I have excitement to get to know one or the other of these boys.  Wanting to rush into getting to know them vs. wanting to run into some kind of physical / sexual / romantic encounter with them… what’s that about?  But I’m doing my best to chill, and not obsess, and not push even that too fast.  I know I could totally send a message to either of them: “HEY!  Great to meet you last night!  U R COOL!” or “HEY!  We missed you last night!  U R COOL!”  But that would be too much of me trying to take control of the situation, and force things.  Let’s see what happens, as I’m sure I’ll run into one or both of them again.  And assuming I do, I can have conversations and get to know them a little bit within the group, and just let things naturally unfold.

Similarly, I don’t want to rush finding a new sponsor.  I don’t want to drag my ass, either… because I know I need one.  But I’m not jumping into anything.  There are two guys on my short list, unfortunately both sponsees of Chris, but meh, that’s pretty much unavoidable.  We’ll see which one I feel more drawn to as I pay more attention to their shares and get to know them better.

Phew!  Life is busy.


2 thoughts on “Que sera, sera

  1. Wow …. awesome that you’re practicing self care & reaching out. Way to go👏 Glad you shared your story & nice that Sid made it. A warm handshake is touching & at the same time …. well, I read somewhere that there is a difference between crossing a line & violating a boundary. Maybe one day, Sid may decide that a therapeutic hug can be healing without violating boundaries.


    • Thanks, Tina! It’s taken a while to quell the depression enough so that I actually want to take care of myself. But it feels good. 🙂

      As to the hug, I feel like the most likely scenario, if it ever were to happen, would be at an end of treatment session. Which, hug or no, is something to strive for.

      Liked by 1 person

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