Love me, love me, Pretend that you love me!

Man.  So many songs just oozing with codependency.

Anywho.  I really need to stop going into therapy sessions with any kind of agenda.  I didn’t even pull out my list tonight!  I mean, I managed to hit the highlights without it, though there was one thing I didn’t get to.  But I guess I can be a big girl and figure it out all by myself.

It felt like a really productive session.  We spent roughly the first half talking about Seth, Emma, and Seth’s girlfriend.

Emma’s health concerns–nothing major, at least I don’t think so–hope not!, but multiple ear infections means ENT and possibly tubes.  I have a lot of feelings about the possibility of surgery for her, no matter how commonplace or minor.

Blah blah blah something about Seth’s gf and her pink razor etc. etc. and how I feel replaced.
“Does it help validate that you made the right decision?”
See, when that whole nonsense went down with Chris after I told him I’d be looking for another sponsor, it solidified for me that it was the right decision.
But apparently I needed a little extra nudge from Sid to draw the same conclusion about Seth.

The other half of the session was spent talking about the Queen Bee–my mother.  After telling a few stories where my mother was, for better or worse, effectively the center of the universe… through the creation of other people
1. All five of my aunts, plus the “bonus aunt” (Aunt Lolly’s friend who was sort of an extra part of the family for a long time) went to Europe to visit my cousin, and did not invite my Mom.  Heh, when bonus aunt accidentally spilled the beans, MOM. WAS. PISSED.
2. When Seth & I had our “romantic reunion vacation” in Las Vegas, the end of the trip was a weekend with both brothers, sisters-in-law (well, one was an eventual sister-in-law) and my Dad.  I have an entire photo album on Facebook, from the trip, that is secret from my Mom, because she wasn’t invited, and so we were all prohibited from sharing anything about it.

At this point, I look at Sid, and I can tell that he’s… …something.
I can’t read him, blank screen, blablablah.  But there’s a reaction there.
I asked, “are you exhausted yet?”  He said, “no, but I’m affected.”

And now I just spent the last hour and a half trying to get Emma back to sleep in her crib.  Which rewarded me with < 5 minutes of her sleeping in the crib before she woke up screaming again.

So, alas, the rest of this post will be written another time.

What’s that?  Monday is Seth’s night with the baby, because I have therapy?  Why, yes, yes it is.  That’s another story, too.
Ok, that interlude was fun.  She’s asleep now, for good.  *crosses fingers*  And I couldn’t leave the post half finished.

Who needs sleep?  We’re just seeing the ENT in the morning.  Definitely not something I’m ignoring my feelings about…

Where was I?  Well, it’s late, and I’m tired, so I think I’m going to sum up more than explain.

1.  There’s a long, long history of pretty much everyone, at least on my Mom’s side of the family, trying to manage / caretake everyone else.  That whole discussion with Sid started when I told him about the voicemail from Mom I’d listened to in the waiting room… in which she complained about caretaking my oldest Aunt.  Hang on a sec.  Not only was she trying to manage my Aunt, but then she martyred herself by complaining about having to do so.
Right then.  Nobody made her offer to forgo free accommodations so she could split a hotel room with my Aunt–which neither of them can afford.  Oh yeah, a hotel to attend an event that my Aunt invited herself to.

2.  Who the fuck is my Mom?  No, really?  Why is she such a huge force to be reckoned with?  Such that not only her children, but her sisters all try to manage her, and her feelings–basically choreographing The Dance of the Sugarplum Faries to avoid incurring her wrath?
Sid asked, “Is she a Senator or something?”  Ha!
What’s that saying?  The squeaky wheel gets the oil?
Well, she’s clearly the squeakiest.  And people just keep giving her oil.

Man.  When I said in my first step share that I was born to be a codependent, I hadn’t even fully registered just how deep it goes up the family tree.  For almost half a century, my grandparents lied about their anniversary!

Oy.  Lying is stupid.  It takes way too much energy.  I’d know, I’ve wasted so much energy over the years!


2 thoughts on “Love me, love me, Pretend that you love me!

  1. Several thoughts spring to mind . God yes, so many songs with codependent lyrics …. “I want you to want me; I need you to need me” 🎶
    Wait!!! Just when I considered walking into session with an efficient agenda instead of rambling on, I can’t tell if it’s a good idea or not??
    No illness or surgery is commonplace when it comes to our children:( We feel helpless when they’re sick. I hope Emma’s health improves.
    Your mom sounds as narcissistic as mine…. & oh the codependency & lies. Secrets definitely “keep us sick” & oh how dysfunctional families strive to “live the lie”. My husband of 22 years & I used to jokingly say that we’re “2 codependents ‘codepending’ on each other” 😦 How sick is that? It used to be a funny joke:(. Somehow, we’ve managed to make it work so far (fingers crossed) because people see us caretake, compromise & do for each other & they describe us as being a “disgustingly sweet” couple. Compared to other marriages in my family which include chunking beer bottles at each other, arguing, fighting, drinking, divorce & cheating, I’m good with our “disgustingly sweet”, always doing for each other behavior. We rarely “over” sacrifice ourselves for the other.
    I’m struck by Sid’s response to “Are you exhausted yet?” I’m affected?? What did that mean?? Oh sorry, let me not get you started on the same , “what did he mean by that?” tangents.


  2. Hey! Just realized I never responded to this.
    I didn’t mean to imply that the list, or knowing what you want to cover in therapy is a bad thing. I just know that, for me, it’s another thing I’m trying to take control of when I over plan. But I’ve had really effective sessions where I followed the list, and really effective sessions where I didn’t. More accurately, I think I should say that I don’t need to be disappointed if I didn’t get to everything on my list. 😉

    And, I’m not really sure what to make of his “I’m affected” comment. I think it’d be hard to hear stories of such elaborate codependency and not get caught up in it.


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