And I would do anything for love

But I won’t do that.

It’s a swing and a miss!  I’m 0/3 on SLAA sponsors!  Go me!

So, Lee said she couldn’t work with me for about a month or so.
Ok, I’ll wait.

She would want me to reset my sobriety date, and add a few things to my list of bottom lines.
Ok… not thrilled about the additions, but they seemed to (mostly) make sense.  And, I told her I’d like to reset my sobriety date for that day (which happened to be April Fool’s Day).

Yeah, no, she would be asking me to reset my sobriety date for after we started working together.  At the end of the month.  And P.S. Go to 6 CODA meetings between now and then.
That’s where she lost me.

Look, without having actually researched it, I have no doubt that I qualify for CODA.  I’m not even necessarily opposed to adding it to my recovery repertoire.  But right now, I’m struggling to find balance–between recovery, school, baby, and the occasional recreational activity (AKA: fun)… the last of which seems few and far between.

But the part of that I take issue with the most is that I would have to reset my sobriety date again in a month.  What would be the point of even trying to stay sober if I already know there would be a reset button?  Maybe some people can handle their own accountability.  But if I were able to do that, I wouldn’t be looking so hard for a fucking sponsor.  So she said that I would have to reset my sobriety date later, and all I heard was: “Get out of jail free card!  Do whatever you want for the next month, addict!”

I feel like I am not sober.  I don’t even know how to describe it, because my first thought is that the opposite of sober is drunk.  I’m not emotionally sober?  I’m emotionally drunk?  High on emotions?  Whatever.

I’ve gone through fits and starts with various things.  Smoking.  Energy Drinks.  Eating my feelings.  Basically, “I know this isn’t good for me, but I don’t care!  I’m going to do it anyway!”  Hey, 1/3 ain’t bad.  I’ve quit smoking.  I don’t even know the date of my last cigarette.  A little over a month ago?  Not bad.

In the book we read at every GA meeting, it says, “Live the Gamblers Anonymous program one day at a time.  Don’t try to solve all your problems at once.”  Hey, using those last examples, I’ve been able to stick to a healthy diet for a time.  I’ve been able to kick the energy drinks for a time.  I don’t know how many times in my life I’ve quit smoking, but I’m feeling hopeful this was the last one.  I can do it.  In time.  Baby steps.  One thing at a time.

Ok, that’s all well and good.  I don’t know if this is actually a phrase in recovery, or just something I’ve heard, but: focus on whatever’s going to kill you the fastest.  Which is why I hit the ground running when I finally started SLAA.

Then drama really knocked the wind out of my sails.  I’ve scaled back on meetings.  I don’t think I’ve quite gone to the opposite extreme–well, I guess I know I haven’t, because I’m still going to meetings at all.  But I think I’ve gone down to fewer than I need.

Right now, I am praying for the willingness to be willing to be sober.

Sex.  Love.  Codependency.  Some combination of those three things is going to do me in if I don’t get a handle on things.

Here’s a list, in (what I would consider) descending order of emotional healthiness, my take on a few of the guys in my life at the moment.

Ok, so, I like Sid.  I like him a lot.  I think he’s attractive, but have ultimately come to the conclusion that I do not actually want to sleep with him.  I am, however, curious about him as a person, and kind of lament the fact that we can’t be friends.

Then there are the two boys I’ve met through my Single Parents group.  I’m intrigued by both, and I think possibly even interested in getting to know them better.  I have yet to test this hypothesis, but the idea would be that I get to know any guy better to make sure he’s actually worth my time and attention, and hopefully rule him out if he’s not.  (Example: Paul, who I went on that one ill-fated date with?  There are at least two big red flags that tell me a romantic relationship wouldn’t work out.  But sex?  Sure, that almost happened. *facepalm*)  So, I have a little interest in those two Single Dads.  I think I would like to get to know one, or both? of them better.  I’m having trouble letting HP drive the bus, here, because I know I could reach out to either of them to try and speed that process along.  But I haven’t.  Which has been REALLY FREAKING hard.  And, ok, that’s not entirely true… I’ve tried to dip my toe in a little bit more, to get their attention, but not directly reached out.  (To no avail)
ANYway.

Finally, there’s Tom.  Nope.  Flat out, I want to sleep with him.  Get to know him?  Yeah, I should probably do that first.  But, I haven’t had sex in a REALLY LONG TIME.  Maybe that’s because I already know he’s good with his hands, and those hands have already touched me in a soothing, healing (maybe sensual?) way.
WHICH IS WHY THEY TALK ABOUT TRANSFERENCE AND A HUGE POWER DIFFERENTIAL WITH MASSAGE THERAPISTS, TOO!  He’s seen me naked.  He’s touched me, a lot.  I know almost nothing about him.  Maybe he flirted with me, but if he did, he doesn’t really know me at all, either.  Not to mention!  If I could positively establish he’d been flirting, what I’d still need to determine would be the motive for doing so.  A better tip?  Sex?  Genuine interest in getting to know me as a person and possibly wanting to date me?  Which one of those three motives seems the least likely!
I really don’t know where the ethical line is.  I feel like it’s a lot grayer for massage therapists than for mental health therapists.  I don’t know anything about that field.  But, y’know what?  ADDICT DOES NOT CARE!

Maybe I should start referring to my addict as Honey Badger.  Because seriously?

Fuck.

I do give a shit.  I’m falling down the rabbit hole, and I’m scared.

That’s why I need to find my ass a sponsor, get those bottom lines nailed down, and get the fuck sober.

I really need the willingness to be willing to be sober.

I need a sponsor.

And to try not to suck any dick on my way to the parking lot!