Touched for the very first time!
1. This post is not about sex. At all.
2. I really wanted to quote the Weird Al version, “Like a Surgeon,” but Madonna was more applicable.
Hi. I feel like I’ve been pretty absent from blog-land.
It wasn’t until my session with Sid today that I was really able to come to terms with the fact that my volunteer training is kicking.my.ass. Emotionally. I’ve had 3 trainings, and 2 of them made me cry. The third made me feel very… small.
Shit, I’m glad I didn’t sign up to help people because I thought it would be easy, or fun. If it were either of those things, they probably wouldn’t need to reach out for help.
I’m having … feelings. And they’re hard.
When I first started working with Sid, my revelations from therapy didn’t come for a few days, until I’d had time to process stuff. Twice now, in the last month or so, they’ve come in session.
The first was when I figured out why I was trying to change Sid. Why I keep arguing to break that blank screen. (See Ground Control to Major Tom) As I was going over that with him, I realized: Oh. I want you to like me. If you open up to me and I get to know you better, that’s how I know you like me!
Because, y’know, there’s no other indication that he likes me. He just went out of his way, above and beyond, to attend my first step share. On his own time.
But clearly he’s very lukewarm.
Anyway. The second was today. At the very end of the session, so I rushed through it because we were out of time. 😛
We talked about my training. How it’s hard. How… oh, right, I’m allowed to have feelings about it. I’m even allowed to have hard feelings about it! In fact, I realized that if I could go through that intense training and not have it affect me… there might be something wrong with me.
We talked about my family. My brother trying to manage my Mom, my Mom trying to manage my Aunt… my brother trying to manage my mom’s managing of my aunt… everyone trying to manage everyone else. It’s literally exhausting. Just telling the story is exhausting!
And then. I put the two together.
The reason everyone in my family tiptoed on eggshells was to avoid the wrath of Mom. Which was generally successful maybe 75% of the time. Sometimes she was going to blow up no matter what you did.
But the whole premise was to prevent her from feeling anything negative. I’ve often thought of it like the kids game Don’t Wake Daddy! but instead, Don’t piss off Mommy! I mean, I understand it was out of self-preservation… nobody wanted my mom to blow up, least of all at you. But so much maneuvering to protect her from anything and everything negative, because it might set her off.
Close of session. “How has this been helpful today?” It’s good to acknowledge that I have feelings. That I’m allowed to have feelings. Even bad ones. Oh! With everyone in my family trying to protect people from negative feelings, no wonder I thought I wasn’t supposed to have them!
Until next week, Sid. I wonder what else I’ll figure out in the meantime…