I think I’m Paranoid

Whee!  Another potpourri post!  I’m tired, and have a lot on my mind.  So this will probably be quick and dirty, and random.

Just in case I was worried, Sid can still make me cry.  Ok, he doesn’t make me do anything.  Well, first of all, I can’t even think the word transference while I’m on the couch without my face getting hot.  Anyway, I started talking about my realization that I can’t stand to be ordinary, average, normal, mediocre, etc.  To me those words are all the same, and all definitively pejoratives.  My mom’s expectations were so ridiculously high for me, and I’ve internalized those.  That’s pretty damn sad.  So sad that it made me cry.

He also pointed out that just because I felt ok after training on Monday doesn’t mean skipping my self care plan was a good idea.  Oops.  Hey doc, this medicine made me feel better, so I’m going to stop taking it!

Yesterday was my midterm.  And now I’m going to be that person who complains that the test was too easy.  Yes, feel free to throw things at me.  It was 75 multiple choice questions.  All of the quizzes so far (open book) have been multiple choice.  The midterm wasn’t open book, but it was, however, 75 of the questions I’d already seen before, in a different order.  Like, exact same questions…. except I think the answers were in a different order.  So I want to complain, because memorizing the answers to multiple choice questions does not demonstrate an understanding of the concepts.  On the plus side, I wasn’t particularly worried about my grade before (beyond perfectionism), but now I have absolutely zero concern.

Today sucked.  Let’s call a spade a spade.
I went to the tire place for a new tire.  $700 later, there’s no longer a screw in my tire, I don’t have a new tire, but my struts and shocks are realigned and whatnot.  Yay.
I figured it’d be a good idea to get the car in tip top shape before my trip.

Seth and I sat down with the realtor to sign paperwork to put the house on the market.  Nope, not an emotionally charged event at all.
Once we finished, he asked if I wanted to go to lunch.  (Seth, not the realtor… she’s a, well, she)  I realized too late that I should’ve said no, since I was already feeling triggered from the gravity of signing my house away.  While we were at lunch, I asked him to check something for me on his Facebook.  He couldn’t get it to work, so I asked if I could try.  Well, I hit the wrong button, and got to his home screen… where I saw an online dating app front at center.  Wait, doesn’t he have a girlfriend?  Yup.  Isn’t that the online dating site notorious for casual hookups?  Yup.  Is any of that my problem?

So why do I still care?  *sigh*

And finally, there’s my trip.  I’ve been back and forth a million different ways over this damn trip.  I spent a lot of time today obsessing over whether to leave tomorrow like I’d planned, or not.  I feel like I’ve noticed so many “signs” that I wasn’t supposed to go this weekend… the last of which was that Emma’s daycare called to have her picked up because she’d puked twice.   Ugh.

So yeah, hours trying to analyze it from every possible angle, and being paralyzed with indecision.

Hours.

And yesterday I was so proud of myself for buying THIS at BB&B:

So I’m going.  Tomorrow.  Damn it!

Here goes nothing!

night night now

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