On my own

Interesting week so far.

Sid made me cry again.  I don’t know why I like putting it that way, because I know full well that he doesn’t make me do anything.  He’s not even responsible for the crying… well, except that he’s very good at poking whatever spot needs to let some feelings out.

I’m starting to hate the question, “what’s the threat?”

We talked about my defensiveness as a reflex reaction.  It came up when talking about my Mom, and again when I was talking about Seth and selling the house.

With Mom, the feeling was fear.  I didn’t want her to think I was weak, and based on what she had just said, leaving my trip early because I missed Emma seemed weak.  To her it was a flaw, a fault, that would go away in time.

With Seth, the feeling was a little less clear.  Definitely sadness.  I’m doing my best to step back and recognize that I can’t change him, but it’s still hard to watch him do things I think will yield negative results.  And then Sid asked if it was envy (that he was dating).  Yeah, for sure.  Especially since I’d expressed earlier in the session that I was feeling lonely.

This is still pretty new territory for me.  I’ve spent the majority of my life either in, or actively seeking (read: obsessing over) a relationship.  It’s been really good, and rewarding, to do all this work on myself.  But damn it’s been lonely.

I love Emma to the moon and back.  But she’s effectively my only constant source of physical contact and affection.  Sure, there’s the occasional recovery hug, which is great.  But neither of those are sustaining.

Oh, let’s just call a spade a spade, here.  I miss sex.  It’s been almost 6 months since I even kissed a boy (that ill-fated date with Paul–and he wasn’t a very good kisser :P) and… I don’t even know, but close to twice that long since I did anything more than kissing.

What I said to Sid is: I know I could find someone to fill that role.  I could find a boyfriend.  I could find a F*buddy.  I could do either of those relatively easily, depending on where I set my standards, how hard I look, etc.  But I don’t just want to find “someone.

I really do want that emotional connection.  Which is new for me.  Well, the desire for the emotional connection used to come after the lust for a physical connection.

What I said to my new Psychiatrist, Dr. Johnson*, when he asked about dating: I don’t know if I’m ready to date right now.  I wanted to do a lot of work on myself, and I have done a lot of work.  But I’m still doing a lot of work.  I’m not jumping into the dating pool, but I’m also not going to slam the door on anyone who comes knocking.

A recovery friend had expressed her distaste for check-ins with her psychiatrist, because she felt like it was just a rubber stamp the med refill (so, why bother?) coupled with, “So why aren’t you dating anyone?”

Which led me to reflect: is that supposed to be a measure of good mental health?  I’m supposed to be dating to demonstrate that?  Heh, and I reflected on this with Sid, and he said, “Of all the things he [the psychiatrist] asked you, you focused on that one?”  I mean, Dr. J framed it pretty neutrally, “any issues with dating?” and yet I totally pounced on it.

Yup.  I’m lonely.

There may be a contender in the ring.  Cute boy from my volunteer gig asked me for my Email address during my shift yesterday.  I’m trying not to obsess about it at all too much.  We have plenty of common interests… I mean, both about to start a Master’s in Psychology, and work / volunteer at the same place.  But we both have potential points of bias / stigma.  I’m a divorcee (almost), with a small child.  He’s an alcoholic, in recovery, who’s gotten into some trouble with that in the past.

I guess we’ll see what happens.  Que sera, sera, right?

Oh!  And on the “see what happens” subject.  My training prepared me to apply for a very specific job in the mental health field.  There are openings for that position at Sid’s Day Job (SDJ).  I’ve gone back and forth on whether or not to apply.  I asked Sid, hoping he would tell me not to apply, so I wouldn’t have to make a decision.  No such luck.  He told me it was entirely up to me.  If I do apply, and am offered the position, we’ll talk about boundaries, and cross that bridge if / when we come to it.  But he’d also understand if I didn’t want to apply.

I figure I’ll apply, and see what happens.  There’s no guarantee they’d offer me a job.  And (after reaching out to my new friend in the field for some perspective) I know it’s a pretty big place, so it’s likely there would be minimal opportunity to run into Sid.  Not only that, but I asked Sid for a recommendation!  Well, I said: If I do apply to SDJ, could I ask you for a recommendation?  I have no idea if that’s a conflict of interests, but I figured you’d know better than I would.

I’m meeting with Shannon (career counselor) again next week to revamp my resume, specifically to apply for this position… not just at SDJ, but there are a good number of these positions open all around.

Man.  I’m like networking and shit.  When did I start doing that, and taking initiative in my life?  Weird.


One thought on “On my own

  1. I’m glad to hear that you’ asked Sid about a recommendation. The worst answer you could get was No or Hell No. You took a chance. Yeah. Independence post divorce …. bittersweet. It’s a loss that you’ll still occasionally mourn as far as what could have been. Hugs


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