So, earlier this week, I got some hardcore validation from my therapist, that I’m on the right path. (See my last post)
The past few days, I was wondering where all my motivation was coming from… I’ve been decorating my apartment a lot. I’ve lived in this complex since September, but I moved to a different unit at the end of October because there were issues with the first one. So, I’ve lived in this specific apartment since then, and only recently have I really started decorating. Now, of course, Emma’s room, which is by far the least-used, was adorably decorated with butterflies and fun colors and shapes… probably within the first month. The rest of the place has been largely neglected until recently.
Oh, that’s right. Dr. J just upped my antidepressants. And suddenly I have more motivation? Weird!
Someone came up to me today after the meeting–wait, two people came up to me after the meeting. One, a relative newcomer, that she really appreciated my share. The second basically just wanted to compliment me on my energy. As I was driving home, I thought about how that was actually a really great compliment. Someone who’s seen me at a variety of meetings since I started going 6 months ago has noticed that I have this sort of positive energy… aura, if you will. I commented how I’ve done a lot of work on myself, and she said, “It shows!”
Like, damn. I am definitely doing something right.
What makes that extra interesting is that I hadn’t felt all that confident in my share after I was done.
So I have a very close friend here, Becky*, whose little girl is 8 hours younger than Emma. We met in baby class when we were both pregnant. She’s been an amazing friend, in so many ways. Before I bit the daycare bullet, she watched Emma for me a lot. When I went crazy after snooping on Seth, she came over and kept me company, and drank with me. On a school night. Watching my recovery journey has inspired Becky to tackle her own issues, specifically around food. (Wow, what a compliment, to have done so much self-improvement that you inspire someone to want to do the same!) So when she invited me to support her at friends & family night at her program, I was more than happy to do it!
Now here’s the fun part. In GA they say, “don’t try to solve all your problems at once.” I’ve also heard something to the effect of: focus on what’s going to kill you the fastest. While I’m never going to “graduate” from my issues around gambling, and sex/love/romance/intimacy… I feel pretty solid on those fronts for now. So maaaaaaayyyyyybe it’s time to admit that I have some food issues. I don’t know if I can even really put into words what they are… but there’s certainly something going on there.
I’ve flat out said, and been totally serious, that I’m eating my feelings. I’m also addicted to energy drinks… which I think are costing me more than smoking ever has. 😛 I have guilt and shame around food sometimes. Hiding food evidence when Seth and I lived together… even now, I cringe if he might see an empty energy drink can.
My Mom seemed to be constantly dieting. Well, her weight yo-yoed a ton. She would lose weight and get rather thin, and then stop dieting and get rather large. She’s on a diet as we speak, after getting to (I think) the heaviest I’d ever seen her. She also taught me to eat frosting with a spoon when I was 7 or 8. And yet, I was chastised for drinking a soda in the morning… because it was in front of the dietician who had come over to help my oldest brother (who had just been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes). Frosting with a spoon? Sure. Soda in the morning? No comment–unless it’s in front of someone!! Ugh.
I’m sure there’s a lot of issues to dig up here.
I’m going to try and talk about my food issues with Sid tomorrow. I think I’ve been reluctant to do so because, 1. denial! and 2. he’s a boy. He couldn’t possibly understand body issues, or food issues, because he’s a man. I’m sure he’s never dealt with anyone, either professionally in his therapy practice or personally, who has body issues. And! I know full well, from my earlier Facebook stalk, that he looked quite a bit heavier a few years ago. (Though, maybe it was a bad picture)
I want to have a healthy relationship with love, sex and intimacy. I also want to have a healthy relationship with food, and I feel like I don’t have that right now.
I also don’t want to pass on negative patterns of behavior to Emma.
I want to be the best me I can be. For her sake, but also for mine. Time to work on this shit.