Mambo #5

Ok, that’s kind of a terrible song, and I’m sorry for referencing it.  It was the first one that popped into my head with the number 5, though.

So, the first SLAA meeting (that I let stick) they read the 12 Characteristics, and I don’t know how many in they got before I started crying.

Well, #5 is:  We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.

Let’s break that down a minute.

We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone.
CHECK

Even though we fear intimacy and commitment,
CHECK (though, more intimacy than commitment)

we continually search for relationships and sexual contacts.
CHECK and CHECK.  Though, since SLAA I think I’ve at least steered more towards relationships that sexual contacts.

I went to another Single Parents meetup last night.  Aaron was there.  (The cute non-drinking boy from previous posts.  Though it turns out he’s 10 years older than me, so hardly a boy. 😛 )

Two weeks ago, I established some pretty good, healthy rules.
1. Do not pursue
2. Be yourself
3. Have fun

And then, the part I haven’t mentioned yet here, I immediately after that session with Sid 2 weeks ago, I broke rule #1.  I sent Aaron a message.  In hindsight, I think #2 was superseding #1.  Anyway, here’s the message.

Hi Aaron,

So, I *want to* apologize if I was awkward the other night… but maybe I just need to own the fact that I’m awkward, and recognize when I’m out of my element. Clearly a noisy bar when I’ve lost my voice is far out of my element.
I feel like any “game” I might have had vanished with my divorce. So I’m going to just try being straightforward.

I think you’re cute, and you have a good sense of humor.
I like that you don’t drink.
I’d like to get to know you better.

Maybe that just means I have a non-drinking buddy at events. That alone would be pretty cool.

Cheers,
Dee

P.S. I hope you can appreciate the irony that “cheers” was the best I could come up with for the end of the message.

As it stands now, 2 weeks have gone by with no reply.  So I was pretty much interpreting no reply as a response in itself.  I decided I wouldn’t bring it up if he didn’t, I’d follow his lead, see how things went.

Ha.  I just realized maybe he had the same take.

Anyway.  We interacted some, pretty much exclusively in the group setting. He talked about a trip, I asked how long he was there.  Stuff like that.  Nothing deep, personal, and no one-on-one time.

I had zero problem engaging with anybody else there.  The women, the men (all of whom are not really on my interest list for one reason or another).  No problem.  But give me an attractive, available man, that I haven’t ruled out?  Fucking terrifying.
I want him to pay attention to me, but I have this crippling, paralyzing fear of intimacy.

The other thing that is interesting is, I found the alcohol much more tempting in this relaxed setting than I did when we were at the bar 2 weeks ago.  In hindsight, I’m realizing now that could have been an easy, completely valid way to reach out and have a conversation with Aaron.  But, in a way, his very presence helped me refrain, because I want to impress him.  Now, impressing guys is not the reason I don’t want to drink, but if it helps me in a moment of weakness, so be it. 😉

Oh, and he did hug me at the end of the night.  He did last time, too.  I said it was good to see him, and he said, “you too, sweetie.”  …… yeah, I’ve got nothing.

Anyway.  I’m feeling all feelings-y.  I don’t know what I’m feeling, but it feels like I’m having feelings all over.  It’s in the low 70s here, and I feel hot.  My skin feels cool to the touch, but my whole body feels hot.  It’s almost the exact same way I felt when I felt flooded by shame, felt like it washed over me, when I was on the couch with Sid.  Vulnerability?  Man, it’s vaguely unpleasant, but it’s been going strong for like 2 hours or so now.

Bugger.  Maybe I should go to a meeting.

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