Hmm, no, not really.
I shared in my last post that my body feels… hot. Like I’m physically aware of every single nerve I have. The only way I can describe it is sensory overload.
It’s NOT GOING AWAY.
Sweet Jesus, is this what it feels like to feel your feelings? Is this what “normal,” emotionally healthy people feel like all the time?! It’s overwhelming, and exhausting!
Well, to be fair, it is an unseasonably warm day here for June. But it’s not that warm. And even in the AC I still felt like this.
I went to a meeting, and got a hug from a recovery friend. (A chick)
Nope. Minimal help.
I went swimming for like an hour. Well, back and forth between the pool and the hot tub, but mostly the pool.
That helped more than the meeting, but the overwhelming sensitivity crept back.
I’ve now tried stuffing it with food, to no avail.
How can one little thought have that much impact on me?
I know exactly where it started. I was laying in bed this morning, maybe around 9/9:30. One of my guilty pleasures is just laying in bed doing nothing, when I have nothing I need to do. It’s glorious.
So I’m reflecting on the events of last night, wondering if I missed an opportunity to talk to Aaron about the message I sent. Probably, but again, I didn’t want to be pushy and try to corner him or anything.
I was also reflecting on how I had a little trouble coping with all the alcohol. For some reason, it was more pronounced than at the bar. I think it was when the host brought out a bottle of [I don’t remember what] and was giving people shots in (apparently infamously American) Red Solo cups. Something about that made me want him to offer me one, and to give in to peer pressure and say yes. (He didn’t offer, thankfully)
Oh hey, I could have (should have?) pointed out to Aaron that I was struggling with the booze. Because: I was, and it would potentially open up an opportunity for meaningful conversation. I assume as a fellow non-drinker he’d be a good resource for, “help me not drink!” But as we’ve established, I don’t really know him.
Boom. I’ve been feeling like shit ever since I realized that. OMG if I show a little vulnerability, I might have a meaningful conversation?! FUCK!
Shit, I didn’t even DO it, (show him that vulnerability) and I feel like this.
Damn it, why does tomorrow’s therapy appointment feel SO FAR AWAY?
I’m also realizing that the message I sent him was rife with vulnerability. Well, in a way. “Here’s how I feel/what I’m thinking. Do with it what you will.” For some reason, that didn’t affect me like this.
Oh, and an interesting side note, something the guy hosting said toward the end of the night, I took as a compliment, and it was… but it did bug me just a little.
I made a joke that managed to be: self-deprecating, scatological, AND topical (to Cards Against Humanity, since that’s what the event centered on)… and I’m pretty proud of it, though I think it would lose something if I tried to explain the whole thing here. ANYway. It was pretty damn funny.
So, Ray*, the host says, “Wow, and you’re not even drinking! You’re awesome!” Which I know was not in any way meant to be insulting. But just the surprise that someone can be funny without alcohol… I dunno, irked me a bit.
Ok, and back to the issue at hand, I literally just realized what I can equate this feeling to. It’s like right after sex (orgasm) when your whole body feels crazy sensitive to everything… like all your senses are heightened.
And now I really don’t want to talk to Sid about this at all tomorrow. Shitsticks. I don’t want to talk about sex, or orgasm, or especially make that comparison and think about him having sex… make him think about himself in that scenario, etc. etc.
Double shitsticks. I think I just said to a friend the other day, “if there’s something I don’t want to tell my therapist, then that’s something I should absolutely tell my therapist.” Bugger.
Seriously, this feeling is NOT going away.
Well, I’m going to a stand-up comedy thing tonight. Hopefully I can feel lots of laughter, and lose myself in that for a while.
Thank you, and good night! I’ll be here all week!