Dream on

So, I want to talk about how my interview at SDJ went yesterday… I think it went really well.

But first!  I wanted to talk about the dream I had last night/this morning.  Because it’s fresh in my mind.  And holy crap.  Talk about some repressed feelings!

Well, for a little perspective, I talked to m Mom on the phone right before I went to sleep.  So, that more than likely had an effect on my dreams.  We were talking about the divorce, and money, and blablablah.  She was astonished with how generous Seth is being, financially.  Both my lawyer and his lawyer were also very surprised.  Anywho, so my mom cautions me to be careful, because she’s assuming he’ll remarry quickly.  I tell her that won’t affect the alimony, only if I remarry.  Then she says that well, once he remarries, his new wife is going to fight it, make him go to court to fight it.  I’m like…. I don’t think that’ll happen.

So, I’m processing all this as I’m trying to get to sleep.  Oh.  She said that because that’s what happened to her.  My Dad remarried, and his new wife made/helped him fight the alimony.
Now, I don’t have that much of an opinion of his wife (I struggle with the notion of calling her my step-mom, mostly since they married when I was in my late 20s).  She seems nice, if a little more religious than I’m quite comfortable with.  I do question their relationship sometimes, when I see them interact, or hear stories.  But, my Dad seems happy, and that’s really all I care about.  Also: pretty much anyone would be a step up from my Mom.
But, if there’s one thing I can say about DW (dad’s wife) it’s that I’m glad she pushed and/or helped him to fight the alimony.  It’s a long story, which I’ll spare you (for now), but suffice it to say that the alimony issue was the trigger that inspired me to stop talking to my Mom–and I didn’t talk to her for 3 1/2 years.  Emma was ~2 months old when I started talking to Mom again, having realized that it didn’t get to be about me anymore, and it didn’t get to be about Mom anymore.  It’s about Emma.  Even if I think Grandma is batshit crazy, I don’t want to keep her from getting to know her.  Also, I have more tools in my tool belt for interacting with Mom, and maintaining healthy boundaries.  For instance, I’m not going to call her out and tell her, “No, mom, just because that’s what DW did to you [from your perspective] doesn’t mean that’s what Seth will do to me.”  I can just observe that, and move on.

Anywho.  So, after all that exposition, the dream itself isn’t much to describe.  I was fighting with Seth.  Yelling, arguing, crying, berating.  I was yelling at him about Cat, and all the other women he’s slept with (and those he’s still sleeping with), and so on and so forth.  It was knock down drag out U-G-L-Y.  All the while, in the back of my head, I’m thinking about how we’re so close to being divorced!  I don’t want to piss him off like this until the papers are signed, otherwise he might re-think his financial generosity.
Then, this is one of those dreams where you wake up in the dream.  I woke up, and was relieved that it was just a dream.  Glad that Seth and I didn’t actually have that big ugly fight.  So then I’m talking to my Mom about it.  (This is still in the dream)  And she’s telling me how it’s inevitable that Seth and I are going to have this big ugly fight about his women.  There’s no way I’m going to avoid it, because I’m so much like her.  “What, you don’t think we’re alike?” she asks.  “Good God no!” or something like that.  She points out a number of similarities blablablah.

That’s all I remember.  But, wow.  Lots of feelings wrapped up into that one.  Anger, resentment, bitterness at Seth for his philandering ways.  I once referred to him as a philandering scamp.  This was very early in our “relationship,” before I moved far away for him.  A friend told me the phrase was very Dickensian.  Seth, OTOH, was not impressed.

Yeah, foreshadowing.  If only I’d realized what a philanderer he really is.
But yeah, still a lot of ugly unresolved feelings there.
And then!  Throw my Mom into the mix!  Yeah, some ugly unresolved feelings there, too.  Phew!  And it wasn’t until I was driving back from dropping Emma at daycare that it really hit me.  Holy shit, yeah, I had a pretty intense dream.

So now, the interview.  Immediately after, I was in the ladies’ room…
Note to self: pee before getting to an interview location!!  I’d had to pee for like half an hour by the time I walked in… I was way early, so I hung out in a park for a while, meditated, ran my finger over my labyrinth… tried to calm the F down.  Oh yeah, and I took selfies in my car, and then that park.  I feel very vain.  But, it must be my new phone, I’m having fun taking selfies!  (Yes, it must be the phone.  It can’t possibly be that my own opinion of myself is in a better place…)  ANYwho, so I really had to pee when I get there.  I’m waiting behind someone to talk to the reception desk, and ask where the bathrooms are, when the guy to interview me comes out and gets me.  That was my moment to say “Hey, let me use the bathroom first?” … but I didn’t.  And part of my role in this job is advocating for clients, teaching self-advocacy… by advocating for myself.  Oops.

ANYwho.  So by the time my 35ish minute interview was over, I REALLY had to pee.  So I’m in the ladies room, thinking: Oh. my. god.  I totally NAILED that interview!  Feeling really awesome.
By the time I walked back to my car, though, I’d already started second guessing myself.  I think the interview definitely ended on a positive note, which I’ve probably already over-analyzed to death, and it doesn’t really give me any answers. 😛  They never said, “we’re hoping to make a decision by X” and I didn’t ask.  So, hopefully I will know soon.  But I’m feeling really positive.

So, keep your fingers crossed, blog-land.
We’ve established how much I like Sid, as a therapist.  I never thought I would want so much to have to worry about a dual relationship with my therapist.  Fortunately, if I get this particular job at SDJ, there’s likely to be very little chance for interaction in the work place.

Aaand now it’s time to go see Dr. J for my psychopharmacological maintenance.


One thought on “Dream on

  1. That’s awesome the way you’re learning to observe, listen non-judgmentally & leave it there. Some “therapeutic B.S.” about honoring their experience & not trying to force them to fit your expectations. How grown up of you:) I’m jealous … Er Umm I mean proud of you. Haha No seriously, that’s awesome. I’m working on showing up as a grown up in my life ¯\(°_o)/¯


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