Knock Knock

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Doorknob therapy
Doorknob therapy who?
Gotta go, I’ll tell you next week!

Doorknob say what?  Heh, I’ll come back to that.

Spoilers

Motivational interviewing.  I swear that motherfucker has a black belt in it.

Hand me my laptop.  It’s the one that says bad motherfucker.

Ok, in case you are absolutely terrible at context clues, I had my weekly therapy session with Sid tonight.
Phew, it was a doozie.

Heh, we were supposed to start EMDR tonight.  I do really want to give that another shot.  But as my “list of things to talk about with Sid” got longer, and stuff felt more pressing… I realized we probably wouldn’t be able to do it this week.  Next week isn’t looking likely, either.  I wonder if that’s going to be like a Princess Bride thing.
Good night, Sid.  Good work.  I’ll most likely be ready for EMDR next week.

We talked about dual relationships, since I will now be working at SDJ.  I got the official offer today! 🙂
I had a lot of questions.  What most of them basically boiled down to are: How can I fuck this up?
Oh.  As long as I’m not an idiot, it’s very unlikely.

Tonight was the first time I broke down at the very end.  And it had nothing to do with the doorknob therapy.  It was after that.  “How has this been helpful?”  The same question he asks at the end of every single session.

Being sad and complaining aren’t the same thing.

WHAM!

I smacked into a giant pile of feelings.  Holy shit.  Being sad and complaining aren’t the same thing.

Rewind.
I tried to take Emma to see Inside Out this weekend.  Note: at a year and a half, she does not have the attention span for a movie.  Crap.
I knew it was entirely likely, but the experience still left me feeling frustrated.
And sad.  Sad because it was just one of many moments of: I wasn’t supposed to be doing this alone.  Maybe if Mommy and Daddy had taken her to the movies together, it would have gone better.
Anger.  Anger because Seth fucked that all up.
Jealousy.  He’s not alone.  He fucked it up, and somehow he’s not the one doing it alone.  He has Cat.

So we talked about sad, and alone.  Why I’m alone — because I don’t want to settle.  I could find someone.  It wouldn’t be that hard.  But I don’t want to settle.  I want love, and respect.  Bare minimum, I want someone who gives a shit.  And right now, that means being alone, and waiting for that someone to come along.  Getting to know myself better, strengthening myself, etc.

Side note: Inside Out is awesome.  Go see it.  Now.  No, really.  I went back to see it by myself while Emma was at daycare today.  Second movie ever entirely by myself!  *self five*  And it was even in my own city this time!  There’s a marginal chance I might see those people again!

Anywho.  Sid’s black belt moves include questions like: “Why not settle?” and “What’s the benefit to being alone?”

Ok.  So the doorknob.  I didn’t want to doorknob it.  It was at the bottom of my list, and I told myself to work from the bottom up.  But in fact I still saved it until the bitter end.

So I’ve projected lots of different roles onto Sid.  As one is wont to do in therapy.  Parent, sibling, partner, teacher, confidante, and so on.  The common thread is: acceptance and validation.  I look to him for that.

Now, one of the times more recently that we talked about transference I shut down hard and fast when I had a flash that he might actually tell me what he thinks of me.

So it’s kind of monumental that I asked him, point blank, what he thinks of me.

I could tell he was struggling with it, and we were basically out of time.  So I gave him the easy out.  “Not tonight?”  “Not tonight.  I know that’ll be uncomfortable.”  “Yeah, well, it’s my own fault for doorknobbing it.”
Heh, he also said he appreciates the extra time he has to think about the answer.

Yep.  So, tune in next week to see what he says!

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