Working 9 to 5!

Ok, not even close.  I’m only working part time, 7 hours a day… and while I’m training, that’s a fair amount of “we don’t have anything else for you to do, besides sit in front of the computer and watch another training video.  Go home!”

I haven’t done anything at work yet, but from the overview my boss gave yesterday?  OMG AWESOME.
She’s also pretty awesome.

For example, our staff meeting today was at IHOP.  (This is not a common occurrence, it was to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of the program, but still!)

I’m like: I could totally do this more hours a week!!  (In the interest of insurance)
Oh.  Right.  That’s how burnout happens.  So I’m going to take it slow.

Side note: 4 days without posting feels like absolute radio silence to me.

Also had a few appointments with the eating disorder folks.  It’s interesting to me how willing I’ve been to say I’m a sex and love addict, yet I struggle to outright say I have an eating disorder.  I have issues around eating, I have an unhealthy relationship with food, etc. etc.

I’m an addict.  Compulsive Gambler, codependent, sex & love addict.
I have clinically diagnosed depression, and I take medication for that.
I’m getting a divorce, my almost-ex husband is a sex addict.  I’m a single Mom.

Yup.  All those are fine.

But to say I have an eating “disorder?”
NOPE.  NO WAY!  Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Man.  I felt absolutely awesome after work yesterday.
And then I had my first appointment with a dietician.
I was so dysregulated (one of Sid’s favorite words) when I left, that I got distracted and turned around driving.  Not really a big deal, just took me a little longer to get there.

My intake session was Tuesday, and I felt ok after that.  I actually felt pretty good.  I was basically unloading the story of my life the last few years.
Yesterday?  They asked questions about food, about my eating.  Something so ordinary as, “what do you normally eat for dinner?”  I had to really think about it, I got kind of uncomfortable and anxious.  This may sound redundant, but I had no idea just how much I dissociate about my eating habits.  “Yeah, they’re bad, I need to work on them.  Let’s move on.”  Except the dietician wouldn’t let me move on.
Man, that was uncomfortable.  To sit face to face with “I have a problem,” and be able to describe what that problem looks like?  No thank you!

Perhaps related, I went back to Lane Bryant today.  I returned the pants that had been $15 more expensive… and then stayed long enough to shop and buy other things instead.  Still some shame, still wouldn’t give them my phone number, but it was all easier this time.

Oh yeah, and it looks like I’m going to have 2 therapists for a little while.  Sid, and the ED one.  I don’t know how that’s going to play out, I suspect I’ll probably scale back with Sid for a while.  But, for now, it kind of seems like perfect timing for me to do EMDR with Sid.

And OH YEAH I get to meet Cat this weekend.
I’m still not sure what I want to say to her.  The only thing I know for sure is: Emma’s not your daughter, but love her like she is.  Because she’s awesome, and she deserves it.
Besides that, I kind of want to yell and scream: ICEBERG, DEAD AHEAD!!  You’re on a sinking ship, sweetie!  He’s going to hurt you!  Get out while you still can!!!!
I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes.

Que sera, sera!


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