How was your weekend?

People keep asking me how my weekend was.  I know, it’s just a platitude.  But I keep genuinely answering with “it was good!” and then trying to figure out why that sounds odd to me.  That I had a good weekend.  Did I have a good weekend?  I think so.  Why am I struggling with that?

Oh.  Right.  I met Cat.

My reaction to meeting my not-quite-ex-husband’s mistress turned girlfriend?
God damn it.  She’s nice.  I didn’t want to like her.  Same way I felt when I met his last ex (who I effectively replaced, the way Cat is replacing me, and one might extrapolate that Cat will eventually be replaced).  I didn’t want to like her, but damn it, she’s nice.

I used to tell Seth that he had great taste, movies, food, etc. etc. in everything… except women who weren’t me.
And then I met the last ex, and I had to stop saying that.
True to form, Cat is a lovely person.  Amusingly, we have a great deal in common.  Helping people, social work, and most notably: narcissistic mothers.

Hmm.  Does the narcissist Seth prey on daughters-of-Narcissists?

The poor girl, she was trying to hide the fact that her hands were visibly shaking.  But, she loves Emma.  Emma loves Ryan (Cat’s son) and vice versa, despite the age difference… it sounds pretty adorable, actually.  Emma is 100% the most important part of this whole thing.

In the spirit of motivational interviewing, I asked her, “Was the open relationship your idea?” It was a mutual decision.
Yup.  Sure it was.
She went on to recommend a book about open relationships.  And also said that she’s pretty sure Seth’s not seeing anyone else right now.
Yup.  Sure he’s not.

Overall, I’d say the meeting went about as well as it could have.  I’m glad I scheduled an appointment with Sid right after.

The ED stuff has been interesting.  <—–  See, apparently I’d rather people mistakenly think I have penis problems than food problems.  I’m sure I’ll talk more about it as time goes on.  I’m kind of still processing.  I think I’m being at least marginally more mindful about what I eat, though.

Work has been… oof.  I’ll preface this with: I’m still incredibly excited about the job.  I shadowed my already-favorite-coworker yesterday.  Penny*.  I got to meet some clients, in various stages of coherence.  I got to hear some interesting stories from one client in particular, which allowed me to practice my “therapist face.”
After our trip out in the field, Penny and I ate lunch together.  Between the car rides, and lunch together, I felt like I verbally vomited a giant chunk of my life story at her.  So as lunch was coming to a close, I realized I was feeling a vulnerability hangover, and I wanted to take lots of what I’d disclosed back.

Before the trip out with Penny, I was running through some training modules on the computer.  Specifically on Domestic Violence.  It was triggering.  Not because I’ve ever been through physical abuse… it was the info on emotional abuse that smacked me in the face.  Seth.  Manipulation.  Isolation.  Trying to dissuade me from getting support.
Hindsight being 20/20 and all, it’s absolutely something I should have brought to my supervisor’s attention, that I was feeling triggered.  But, “your supervisor is not your therapist.”  Yeah, that does not mean, “don’t tell your supervisor when something is wrong.”  *sigh*  I’m going to talk to him about it tomorrow morning.

Oh, way higher on the list than “your supervisor is not your therapist” is “do not sleep with your supervisor.”  Ugh.  He’s cute.

Heh, the guy who interviewed me for the other job at SDJ, also cute.  Maybe I just find any guy moderately close in age who is therapist-y attractive. 😛  If that’s the case, then I am definitely in the wrong field.

I think it’s easier to not obsess over it because, oh, he’s my boss.  And my job, reputation, licensure, etc. depend on it.  Or I’m in denial.  I think this is when it’s good to have “practiced” with Sid, to have a close, intimate connection, and vulnerability, with someone I find attractive, and there’s zero chance of ever connecting romantically.

Fuck me, I just figured out why I didn’t go to him about being triggered.
Welp.  Gonna have to get over that one mighty quick now, aren’t I?
–Just therapied myself again.

Oh, and Sid.  I have another appointment with him tomorrow, for EMDR around the birth trauma.
When I saw him on Sunday… he’s trying to grow a mustache.  No.  Just, no.  It is literally distracting.

Let’s see, Sid on Sunday, ED therapist yesterday, nutritionist and ED group therapy today, Sid again tomorrow for EMDR… I think I take over-achiever to a new level.


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