Well… not exactly.
But to continue with my metaphor, I think I’m consistently torn between dancing in the rain, and loading up on umbrellas.
This blog post is also apparently raining text. (By that, I mean it’s long :P)
I don’t know if it’s a sign of good (or at least better?) emotional health that I’m noticing more boys. Maybe the fact that I’m going out and doing more in general is both a testament to my emotional health, and an opportunity to, well… run into more people (boys).
There are cute boys at work. Yes, there’s my supervisor, but that would be an awful idea (so I’m kinda glad he’s gay :P). There’s a guy on my team, which is probably still a bad idea, if a little less so, plus he has a girlfriend and is “old.” (You’ll see why I use derisive air quotes soon)
Then there are two cute boys at work, not on my team. The first one does practically the same job, just has a different target audience. The second one is a therapist–who works with kids. Yeah, I’m just puddle on the floor.
There are two single parent friends. Long story short, my single-mom BFF is planning a get together next weekend. All the planning has been via group text. There are 6 of us attending/planning/whatever, 3 guys 3 girls. Well, probably not surprisingly, the conversation has gotten incredibly… adult, and flirty. To the point where I’m legit wondering if something is going to happen, or it’s all just talk. One of them is Aaron (the non-drinker I’ve mentioned before).
There’s a boy at the place I volunteer, who I run into very infrequently. The first time we met, he asked for my Email address. End of story. Well, not quite. We’ve run into each other a handful of times, and if it’s long enough to have conversation, it’s pleasant and engaging. The end.
And then yesterday, I talked to a boy. I went to a training, which they recommended at the end of my 40-hour training… but I’ve had a lot of other training and learning since then, so at least the first half of the training was mostly redundant. But, I guess it doesn’t hurt to have a refresher. And, SDJ paid for it, so all it cost me was time.
Somewhere after the lunch break, this boy asked a question that piqued my interest. Like, oh, I should pay attention to him, he seems smart, wants to help people, yadda yadda yadda. I mean, I’d zeroed in on him as the only guy in the class anywhere near my age (it was mostly women, besides) as soon as I got to the training, and thought he was quite cute.
So I stepped way outside my comfort zone, and engaged him in conversation. Not once, but TWICE. I mean, for me, there was definitely some motivation that he’s cute, but also that he seemed intelligent, he wants to help people, and I had useful information I could pass on to help him help people. (Specifically, I told him to look into motivational interviewing)
He also asked for my Email address at the end of our exchange.
I think that’s everyone.
Now let me tell you the reasons I’ve ruled each and every one of them out.
Supervisor and coworker on my team? BAD IDEA. No, really, that’s legit.
Work guy 1: too young (4 years younger than me). Work guy 2: He wrote a book on Amazon’s self publishing thing or whatever. I read the one negative review, which put down basically his entire life’s story. Yup. One negative review. Probably from a former client who got their panties in a knot.
Single parents: Aaron, that’s probably the trickiest one. I’ve had trouble finding a reason to rule him out, and as such I completely clam up around him. But I could point to the fact that he’s (presumably) a recovering alcoholic, and drinks non-alcoholic beer. He hasn’t really put much effort into responding to me (I’ve tried Meetup and Facebook). Also, I think he’s anti-12 step. The other guy I’ve run into a few times, and found stupid reasons to rule him out pretty quickly–not much in common/to talk about, and he kept emphasizing to his kid that they needed to keep the budget tight. Andplusalso, both of these single dads are, to the best of my knowledge, 10 years older than me. (Amusingly, my teammate is 10 years older than me, too) They are old!
Volunteer dude: He’s got a troubled past which includes DUI(s?). Also he hasn’t bothered to Email me, so clearly he’s not interested. I’m just assuming someone told him I have a kid and he decided not to, or that he’s technically my supervisor, as he’s a paid employee, and I’m a volunteer. Clearly someone advised him not to Email me.
Training dude: He’s a child. Not literally. Like work dude 1 he’s presumably around 4 years younger than me. But he looks really really young. And he’s really skinny. Too skinny. He’s really hot. But too skinny. Obviously. Though for some reason I really want to play with his hair. But it’s been like 24 hours and he hasn’t Emailed me. Not interested!
OH YEAH. And I’m trying to rule out EVERYONE IN MY FIELD.
Carl Rogers talks about three things for a good therapeutic relationship: acceptance, empathy, and genuineness. It’s pretty well known in the field, and likely related ones (social work, etc.)
So I’m thinking, I just find guys with those three qualities attractive. Everyone in my field has them, so clearly those are the only redeeming qualities in these guys, and only because they have to have them for work.
So, in the past, I would just throw sex at boys and see what stuck. Who needs intimacy when you can just start off with sex right away.
Now, I think I’m setting my standards so impossibly high (and I’m fully conscious that most of the stuff on that rule out list is ridiculous) as a moving target, so I don’t have to bother letting anybody in.
OH. And I ran into Aaron today. I was in his neck of the woods with Emma and her BFF (and mom) who went to a Hello Kitty thing with us. He happened to go to the same restaurant we did for lunch, and came over and said hi. He wanted to congratulate me on the job. ❤ It was the most meaningful conversation we’ve ever had. And I’m glad I was at lunch with a close friend, because I was completely out of it after he left.
By the time I was driving home, I was thinking: Man, he’s just charming and flirty enough to keep me guessing.
Oh, and when I go into over-analyzing the exchange… I asked how he was doing, he said good, really good–OMG that must mean he’s getting some! And/or: He’s so smooth and charming… too smooth and charming, he must be a player!
Anyway. Apparently intimacy is still terrifying. I’m just going to the other end of the spectrum to run away from it.