So I met with my dietitian today. It was the first time I’d seen her in two weeks.
Last week, an hour or so before my appointment, I realized my cat had gotten out. 😦 Both cats are indoor-only, so I freaked out pretty much all day until she was home safe and sound.
The problem when you pack your schedule full of things is that when shit hits the fan, you have a lot of obligations to cancel. I didn’t go to my dietitian. I didn’t make it to volunteering. I didn’t go to group therapy. (I let the appropriate people know I wouldn’t be there, but still) Oh yeah, and then by the time kitty was home safe, I was so emotionally exhausted I had zero desire to go to my GA meeting.
I spent Monday and Tuesday in training, so today was the first time in 15 days that I saw my dietitian.
I hadn’t seen her since the grape.
That’s not entirely true. Once you find some awareness, it’s not really easy to turn it back off.
Anywho. I’ve wanted to run away from the whole program. I didn’t really do any of my “homework,” and just overall kind of felt like a big failure with food. Which, isn’t really accurate. There are definitely moments I’m proud of, where I wanted to binge and stopped myself. But then there were others where I saw the unhealthy behavior coming up, and just didn’t care. “Yup, I’m doing this now… and I don’t care!”
So, today my dietitian brought up the IOP again. (Intensive Outpatient Program)
Since day 1 I’ve said I’d love to do it, but… time.
Well, she encouraged me to make myself a priority, and make time for something that would be incredibly beneficial for me.
So much anxiety. So much mommy guilt.
In order to do IOP, I’d have to either give up one of my nights with Emma to a babysitter or friend or something… or trade nights with Seth for Fridays, such that even on my weekends off from baby, I only have half a weekend.
Give up some Emma time, or give up some me time.
SO MANY FEELINGS.
There’s something deep and dark underneath the food issues. Crying over a grape is evidence of that to me.
But it’s like that wall that was holding back the floodgates of feelings around Seth.
Damn it, Sid! Why do you have to be on vacation! >.<
I really like Tess, but… she’s not Sid.
Anyway. I recognize that the invisible wall holding things back is fear. But I also feel like whatever’s back there is bigger and scarier.
Well, I can rationalize not doing IOP until the cows come home.
But when I try to rationalize actually doing it? Look at the pros and cons? My anxiety spikes.
So. What’s the threat?
God damn you, Sid!