Racing and pacing and plotting the course

Oh, hello blog land.  Long time no see!  Life has gotten away from me, I guess.

Incoming wall of text!

I’ve been speed dating twice.  It’s definitely an interesting experience.  Interestingly enough, this company seems to do it every two weeks.  Which lines up with the weekends I don’t have Emma. 🙂

The first one, two weeks ago, started an hour late.  And so I’m sure people left.  So there were 18 women, and 10 men.  Not very good odds.
The premise is that at the end of the night, you choose yes or no for each of the people you met.  If both choose yes, you get each other’s contact info.
I came away from the night having 2 Yes, 3 No, and 5 Maybes.  I decided to yes all the maybes just because, well, they weren’t outright Nos.
So I put 7 as yes, and got… 1 match.  One of my Maybes.  I was pretty bummed to only get 1 match, and that my #1 pick–a hot nurse, with kids!

hellonurse2

He didn’t feel the same way.  So, bummer.

Last weekend, I hired a babysitter, and went out with my one match.  It was a pretty mediocre date.  What I’ve said is that I’d almost rather have a bad date, because at least that would provide a good story.
Just overall meh, not a lot in common.  He was nice enough, and cute… but it was real clear real quick that it wasn’t a good fit.
Then at the end of the meal, he made reference to something the pastor said in his sermon that morning.

AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re done.

I do my best to respect other peoples’ religious beliefs, even though I am definitely not religious.  However, I have come to realize that I would probably not be a good match, romantically, with someone who has religion as a large part of their life.

Oh yeah, and then there was the 2nd Vegan.  We chatted for a few hours, which is astonishing, since we had really nothing in common, besides tattoos.  He hasn’t lived in the states all that long, so I asked, “what was your favorite place you’ve visited?”
“I don’t really have favorites.”
. . . . . . .
Yeah.
Then when I couldn’t even find any common ground with Star Wars, that’s when I was done.

So.  No more vegans.

Last night was speed dating #2.  It started on time, but some of the guys were no shows.  I don’t understand it!  So 19 women, and 12 men, but one was a late comer so I didn’t actually meet him.  But I yes-ed him anyway.  I figure why not?
So including him I ended up putting yes to 9 of them.  Some were definitely closer to maybes, but only 3 nos.  And 2 of those were repeats from last time–one maybe that turned no with the second meeting.

I’ve already gotten better results, I have 2 matches!
Same as last time, there was one guy I was really excited about.  No match.
There’s still time, I guess.  I don’t know how long you have to log your matches… I think 48 hours.  But as time goes on, I’m feeling less hopeful.

Oh, and I’ve met another boy from online dating.  We have a bunch in common, he’s a single dad and a nerd, etc. etc.  The first time we hung out, it was like 4 hours or so, maybe longer, and I came away thinking: I have no idea if I want to date this boy or not, but I know I want to be his friend.  I don’t need to figure that out right now.  He’s got some drama going on, that I kind of don’t want to step into.

Except that Tess called me on my bullshit, that I want to be his counselor, and help him.  “You don’t get to be a counselor yet.  You don’t have that to give!”
Damn it, Tess.  Damn it.

We hung out again Friday, and literally just watched TV, ate pizza, and then played a game.  No physical contact except the end of the night hug, and no mention of drama.  It was fun to just hang out and socialize.  And I’m starting to think I don’t want to date him, at any point.

So, that’s a lot of boy stuff.

Work is going along.  Busy.  I like my job, I love my coworkers.  Interestingly, I ran into another woman who works at SDJ – different department, so I’d never met her – at speed dating last night.  Small world!
I still want to take on more hours, because I feel restricted in how much I can do only working 21 hours a week.  But I’m also recognizing that I’m only human.  So I don’t want to overdo it.  (Except that that’s always my MO: Over-achiever!)

Especially since I’m doing IOP.
21 hours/wk – work.
9 hours/wk – IOP.
2 hours/wk individual therapy – 1 Sid and 1 Tess
30 mins/wk – dietitian
30 mins every other week – case management
30 mins once a month follow up with a doctor

OH YEAH.  And being a mom, working on school(?), and having a social life(?).  It’s probably not surprising I haven’t done school work since starting IOP.  And 12-step?  Ha!  I’m sporadically checking in with my sponsor, and going to our family step study… but that’s about it.

P.S. Emma starts speech therapy next week.  Oh and my insurance runs out at the end of November, when the divorce is finalized, and so I need to work 30 hrs/wk by then to get insurance.  WHEE!

IOP is, for lack of a better word, intense.  I feel like I’m getting a lot out of it.  Discovering faulty beliefs and habits I have about myself, and food, and working to adjust.  I’m learning a LOT about myself.  And my Mom.
The main takeaway from this week is: self care, and working on forgiveness toward Mom, and Seth.

Self care, everyone needs down time, and I haven’t really left much room for it in my schedule.  This weekend I’ve taken some down time, I feel like.  I watched 2 movies at home, and am currently debating a 3rd.  I had someone clean on Friday, so my apartment is in the best state it really ever is.  I matched socks (something I HATE) while watching a movie, and may fold more laundry while watching another movie.
I even *gasp* had groceries delivered, when I very well could have gone to the store myself!  So I think that’s definite improvement in the realm of self care.

As for forgiveness.  There’s an Al Anon saying, “forgiving isn’t forgetting, it’s letting go of the pain.”  No matter how many times I’ve thought/quoted that, I still haven’t quite been able to get there.  Tess is having me read, “Will I Ever Be Good Enough?”  It’s a damn good book.  Well, in the way that I think Pia Mellody is good… in that it’s somewhat uncomfortable to read.
Ok, I basically want to read Tess’s entire bookshelf.  “How Can I Forgive You?” “Toxic Parents” … all kinds of fun stuff.  But, I’d read the first one, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?, before.  At the time I read it, almost 5 years ago, I was reading it for justification for not talking to my Mom.  Which had just started, and then lasted 3.5 years.  So, I wasn’t really in the right mind frame to heal myself (which is the subtitle: Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers).  It feels like I’m reading it for the first time.  Tess is re-reading it with me.  My non blank-screen therapist, I know we have a lot in common, including narcissistic mothers.

I’ve been trying to get Sid and Tess to be friends.  I’ve signed a release for each of them so that they can talk to each other… but they’ve been playing phone tag like forever.  I dunno why it’s important to me, but I think it would be helpful to make sure everybody’s on the same page.

So I feel like I’m learning a lot in IOP.  I’m also feeling like, at some point, I’ll reach a point where the time constraints will outweigh the benefits.  It may be sooner rather than later, but I think I’ll know when it’s time to step down.  I feel like it’s definitely more beneficial than what I was doing before, which was kind of just piecemeal–therapist, dietitian, and one 1-hr outpatient group.  All helpful, but slower going, I think.

Anyway.  I’ve planned a trip for my birthday (December).  By myself!  This is huge, I’ve never been on a trip by myself.  I really want to be done with IOP before that.

The plan was to start the Master’s program in January, but that’s not going to happen.  Winter quarter is full, so I’ll be applying for Spring quarter, which starts in April.  That gives me more time to get my shit together, which my coworkers have strongly recommended.

Oof.  That’s a lot of stuff.
I’m gonna go watch a movie and fold some laundry.

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