So I talked to my Mom the other day.
I could probably stop the post right there, that sentence says enough. But anyway.
She went on and on about her diet. In a detached sort of way, it’s fascinating. How obsessed she is! She knows exactly how long she’s been dieting (just over a year! she just had her diet-iversary!)… exactly how much weight she’s lost (like, in tenths of a pound), and even the change from like 3 days ago (again, tenths of a pound).
Holy shitsnacks! Is it any wonder I have food issues and body image issues? The woman’s weight has yo-yo-ed my entire life. Her primary career, and favorite job, was for a popular weight loss company. Company. That means they’re selling something. Diets don’t work because they’re not supposed to. If they worked, the companies would stop making money.
When Tess told me that you can violate someone with food, it blew my mind. My Mom totally did that.
Anywho. IOP has really been kicking my ass.
Last week I had strep throat. This week my antibiotic made me puke. It has not been good times for my physical health.
I think that kind of brought my expectations/fears/anxiety/etc. over IOP to a head. Just feeling overwhelmed, time pressure, and so on. Feeling obligated to keep going even though I don’t want to. I’m exhausted, between work, Emma, and IOP, I’m just afraid I don’t have that much to give towards IOP. So I wanted to quit. Anger, resentment, obligation… anger mostly at my dietitian, who I was feeling like is “making me” stay in program.
And then Tess called me on my BS. That’s what she does. This is hard, and uncomfortable, and so of course I want to run away and make it stop.
I also need to let go of this ridiculous expectation that I can (and need to!) do recovery “perfectly.”
Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ve explicitly mentioned it before, but I’ve found this book to be really fucking powerful.
The Food and Feelings Workbook
It’s amazing. And by amazing, I mean incredibly uncomfortable, and has made me cry.
Oh, and also thanks to Tess, I have another book to add to my shelf.
Well. This post has been a jumble. The past two weeks-ish has been a jumble of sickness, anxiety, and so on. So… there.