No quiero Taco Bell.

So, I started to write this long rambling post about tonight’s dinner with IOP.  But I don’t think I have the emotional energy for it.

Long story short: We went to Taco Bell.  Fast Food is probably, on the whole, difficult for most disordered eaters.
Add to that, the fact that Seth and I ate at Taco Bell semi-regularly together… it was one of our “things” before I went GF.  Like, we had a romantic reunion in Las Vegas, and we took a cab to TB, because it was such a “thing.”  Both trips in the cab each cost more than the meal itself.  (Thanks, Vegas!)
Andplusalso, this particular TB/KFC is THREE BLOCKS from where Seth and I used to live.  Not just 3 blocks from where we used to live, but 3 blocks from where we used to live when we literally lived right next door to an unresolved guy-crush friend of mine… who I’m pretty sure tried to warn me that Seth was cheating at some point.  (If I’ve mentioned him before, he was one of the twins.  If not, it’s a story for another day.)  Fast food, and unresolved feelings about boys, and memories of the old neighborhood… ughhhhhh.
Oh yeah, and when I met with Jenny this morning, we were talking about soda and working on that, and how I feel like it’s “supposed to” go with my binge foods: sushi, thai, pizza, McDonald’s, TACO BELL.  So I had all kinds of anxiety over whether or not to get a GD soda.  But I did get a soda, and I drank it.  I didn’t get a refill, and I didn’t even finish it.  And I still judged myself a little for the soda.  But I didn’t really feel like I had the emotional space to deal with that, on top of all the feels.  And the out-of-town-filling-in therapist was pushing me about the soda.  “What would help you feel less anxious?”  YOU NOT MAKING ME FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT! …is what I wanted to say.

So I walked into the restaurant, and told Jenny I wasn’t doing well.  I didn’t want to be there, and I didn’t want to eat anything.  But I powered through.  I ate in what could be considered a “normal” fashion.  I had too many feelings to be able to get in touch with my hunger/fullness cues at the beginning of the meal, so I was only eating to nourish my body… but the food tasted good, and I was able to recognize the cues when I started to feel full.
Overall, probably a big success.  I’m just feeling all kinds of MEHHHHHHHHHHHHH right now from working through that.

Hmm.  What can I do to reward myself, or more accurately be kind to myself, for surviving all that.  (That’s not food related, and especially not over-eating)  Oh, and besides blogging. 😉
I’m sure I’ll figure something out.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

Oh, PS.  Sid can totally still make me cry.  Damn him.


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