Damn.

So Will just broke up with me.

I didn’t exactly see it coming. But once we talked about it, it made sense. Pretty much the same thing as Paul. He’s just not emotionally available, still processing his last significant relationship. (In his case, his divorce is less than a year, for Paul it was literally right after a broken engagement)

But maybe later if the timing is better!

Story of my life.

I sure have a fucking type. *sigh*

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Facing my “hungry ghosts”

So I’m in a class on Addictions for grad school right now, and we’re reading “In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts” by Gabor Maté. It’s a really good book.

Anywho. A lot of it has resonated with me, and gotten me thinking.  Maté says, “Under certain conditions of stress many people can be made susceptible to addiction but if circumstances change for the better, the addictive drive will abate.”

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Hello blogness my old friend….

I’ve come to talk at you again.

Jesus, it’s been almost a year. I got a pen and paper journal, which I write in as often as I ever have here. 😛 But I guess it took over, and this fell to the wayside. Also, grad school is plenty excuse enough for not doing a anything else. If not, then I’ll happily use the kiddo as an excuse. 😛

Anyway. I have a boyfriend. And I’m in London.

I mean, I’m pretty sure he’s my boyfriend. I’m not sure what else I’d call him. But we haven’t had that conversation yet.

And I’m on vacation, or “holiday,” as it were. It’s just way more fun to be dramatic and make it sound like a much bigger deal. 😉

Anyway. I’m typing from my phone, which is super obnoxious. So consider this an accountability post.  That is, I will post more soon. 🙂

And the cat came back…

So, remember Paul*? My good taste in bad decisions from almost two years ago?

Well. Here’s a quick recap.

I found out that Seth was dating already, only 2 months after I moved out. So I went on CraigsList. Most of the ads positively disgusted me, but I saw one that was a single dad looking for a single mom, Friends with Benefits sort of thing.
I figured, since I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I didn’t want a random hookup, FWB was the perfect compromise.

Meet Paul.

Sid was able to dissuade me from hooking up with him by saying, “Yeah, you could do that, and you might not be in crisis. But your recovery would be at risk.”
Your recovery would be at risk.
All day before our date that was running through my head.

Yes, we still went on the date. And yes, there were some make-outs.
But ultimately I sent him home without sleeping with him, telling him that while I wanted to have sex, it was a bad idea, because I would just be using it to distract from my feelings–specifically the grief of my divorce.
He was glad I told him, wouldn’t want me to do anything I didn’t want to.
He went home, and I continued drinking to excess, figuring I had made one good decision that night, and that was enough.
Well, I haven’t had a drink, since. I woke up the next morning and thought, “maybe I shouldn’t be drinking.”

About a month later, in a moment of weakness I messaged him again, ultimately looking for a hookup. He reminded me, “you said no for a reason.”
Damn it, Paul. I mean, damn it at the time, but also way to be a good guy.

Last week I went out for drinks with my classmates after the last day of classes. (To the point above, I stuck to Coke.) Lots of good talk about relationships and life in general, and hell, we played never have I ever.
The whole experience got me thinking, and feeling more open and willing to put myself out there.

So on Saturday, I reactivated my OkCupid account. This is something I’ve done sporadically on and off, I’ll use it for a while, get frustrated, and deactivate it, only to come back a little later and start all over again.
But I was really starting to get frustrated with the lack of potential dating options.

Anyway, I was like, if I’m gonna do it this time, I may as well go all the way. So I paid for the stupid upgrade options.

Maybe an hour later, I’m looking at my matches.
Hey, wait. That looks like Paul. *click* OMG, it IS him!
This is only significant because I know he’s been in a serious relationship since not long after the last time we hung out. And I know this because we’ve stayed FB friends, though practically no interaction.

A 91% match!

So I messaged him on Facebook. He remembered me, and apparently I made an impression. (So did he!)

We’ve hung out twice since then… the second time was, oh, my! NSFW.
And we’ve been chatting online pretty much nonstop since then.
Plenty of sexy talk, but also lots of other stuff, too.

So that’s my big news. 🙂