Feelings

Well, keeping up with my once-a-month post average…

I just have to put this somewhere. Say this to someone. (Even if nobody reads it)

HOLY SHIT, grad school. HO.LY.SHIT.

Tess said that grad school is like really expensive therapy. Boy was she right!
Side note: next week I go back to Sid! Quitting my job led to new insurance, so I can go back to him now. (Also, Tess doesn’t take the new one)

Anyway. I just got out of class. I’m almost done with my first quarter of grad school, and it has totally kicked my ass, but in a good way. There have been a number of moments where I’m learning about a new concept, and realize “Holy shit, that’s a thing! That’s a thing my mother did!!” And then I get sad.

To that end, writing the papers about my family of origin… it’s been pretty intense.

Here’s the biggest epiphany I had writing the “Unfinished Business” paper:
I talked a ton about my mom’s unrealistic expectations of me growing up. So as I’m writing… I’m thinking about how she expected me to be something I’m not, something I could never be. THEN. I realized how I’ve expected her to be the mother I always wanted, something she’s not and can never be.

Damn.
Mind = blown.

But wait, there’s more!

Continue reading

Movin’ Out

Well, it’s official.  Grad school is kicking my ass.
In the best way possible.  But, holy crap it’s a lot of work.  It’s not like college where I didn’t do any of the reading, unless I was looking for a quote to go in my hobbled together last minute paper.
I guess the biggest difference is that I’m way more invested in this.  Like, I could put in less effort and do ok… but I actually give a shit.  And I want to do well, and learn stuff, not just do ok.

Anyway.  The downside is, I quickly decided I couldn’t do grad school, renovate a house, and work 30 hours a week.  Oh yeah, not to mention, my precocious toddler. 😉

So my last day of work is Tuesday.  It’s bittersweet.  I like everyone I work with.  Well, my direct supervisor…. eh, I’ve even learned to tolerate him.  But, seriously, this is the most supportive group of people I have ever worked with.  I will miss them.
I hope I still get to hang out with my work BFF!  Well, we’re going to a concert together this summer. 🙂

I own a home.  I’m in grad school.  And I have an amazing little girl.
Life is pretty good. ❤

Unicorns

Well.  I did give that cute boy from the Urgent Care my number.  He never called. 😛

I’m a few days away from my first grad school class, and 8 days from closing on my house.  I feel a little crazy for taking both these things on, let alone at once… but, yeah, I’m an overachiever.  I’ll get it done.  And then look for the next project to busy myself with. 😛

I think the tension with my supervisor kind of fizzled.  He went on vacation right after the blow-up, and we haven’t really talked about it since.  Also, I’m thinking that adjusting my meds may have made me better able to deal with him. 😛

And now, to the point of this post.  Unicorns.

I want to date.  I haven’t found anyone worth dating.  I’ve been on a few first dates, nothing worth pursuing.  I joined that singles social club to meet people.  I’ve made friends, which is great, but nobody I want to date.

Realizing I’m probably looking for a single parent, I joined an online dating site to that end.  The site itself is pretty crappy… just not very user-friendly.  But I’ve had decent luck getting attention from guys.

I had two first dates this weekend.  One was a guy very close in age, but lives further South than I might like, and has a lot of kids.  The other was significantly older (12 years) and also lives further away than I’d like.

I met the first guy yesterday for coffee.  He was perfectly nice, and cute!  We had a good chat, and I felt comfortable.  But something was missing.  I was classifying it as: I don’t think he’s quite as smart as me… but I’ve come to realize it’s specifically witty banter that’s missing.  I like a challenge, and I think I want a partner who challenges me a little, in a good way.

The second first date was supposed to be today.  Past tense.  He cancelled.  I was actually pretty excited about this guy, despite the age difference, because I felt like the witty banter was there.  Well, he cancelled this morning, and said he wasn’t feeling it with the age difference.  He’s the one who messaged me in the first place, knowing how old I was!  And it was going swimmingly until he showed me pics of his kids, so I sent him one of Emma decked out in her My Little Pony attire.  I’m pretty sure the realization that I have a 2 year old was what turned him off, not my age specifically.  I’m disappointed, for sure, but, meh… what am I gonna do?

Anyway.  I keep coming back to the first guy, “I should like him!”  There’s nothing wrong with him!  He’s really interested in me, too.  A few hours before our date yesterday, he texted me, “Is it two yet? :)”  (Our date was scheduled for two, in case that wasn’t obvious)  We have a second date scheduled for lunch on Thursday, and he even said “can’t wait!”  That’s all nice, and sweet, and cute.  But… I think it’s just not there for me. 😦

So what am I looking for?  A guy, ideally with kid(s), who’s not a dick, and good at witty banter.  I want to be attracted to him physically, and intellectually.

I feel like I’m looking for a fucking unicorn.  But, to be fair, I guess I haven’t been looking all that long. 😛

Mojo

Hmm, my record for posting hasn’t been that great lately.
Let’s play a little catch-up.

My first quarter of grad school starts in less than a month, and I am very close to finishing the last pre-req class.
Oh yeah, and today I got a reminder from the school about the requirement that we complete 20 hours of therapy (at least 10 have to be during your time in school there).  I think it’s great that it’s a requirement, but it also kind of amuses me.  I could get 20 hours of therapy with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back.

I close on my new house in exactly one month.  Say what?  Yeah, I realized that rent is stupid, so I’m buying a house.  NBD.  3 beds, 1.5 baths, 1400 square feet.  It’s walking distance to the school I want Emma to go to, and my monthly mortgage payment will be about the same as my current rent… and is most likely less than what my rent would go up to at the end of August when my lease is up.  They raised it $95/mo last year!

Tension between my supervisor and I is at an all-time high.  Ugh.  At least my manager is doing her managerial job well, and supporting both of us, and we’re going to talk it out like grown-ups, blah blah blah.

Tess and I had quite the conversation about my sudden reactivation of my online dating account, and more specifically about posting an ad on CraigsList.  She said I needed a “hit.”  And I said, damn it, you’re right.  Tess has said (I’m not sure if she’s joking or not) that her new business cards are going to say “Buzzkill.”  Joke or not, it’s totally accurate. 😛

Oh yeah, I ran into Sid at work for the first time!  We were doing a mandatory training for our new computer system.  I went to sign in, saw his name on the list and had a little mental freak-out, to the point where I started to write his name instead of mine. 😛  He showed up a few minutes in to the presentation, and I was a little distracted.  I was far more distracted by Connie sitting next to me, who would not STFU!  Anyway, I got to leave the training early, so I didn’t get a chance to say anything to him.  I like to think I would’ve at least said hi.

Ok, and to my point.  The mojo.

lost-mojo-help-resized1

I mean, I don’t know that I legitimately had any to begin with.  My “game” was pretty much to lead with sex.

So there’s this boy.  SHOCKER.
He is cute.
He has a lot of tattoos.  I like tattoos… I mean, I have 3.  But usually not this many.

I have met him twice.  Here’s the fun part: at the Urgent Care I’ve been to twice now for this stupid sinus infection.  (I think I just wasn’t on antibiotics quite long enough the first time).
He’s a Medical Assistant.  So he got the fun job of checking my vitals, asking about my prescriptions, medical history, etc.
And he made me laugh.  A bunch.  I think that’s what stuck out most about him.

Aladdin Laugh

Anyway.  I keep thinking about this guy.

And once again I’ve therapied myself.  I think I’m obsessing over this, and in fact I obsess in general, because I feel like if I analyze and over-analyze something, I can find an answer, without having to directly ask for an answer.
I want to KNOW but I don’t want to ASK.  So I’ll examine and re-examine the situation from every possible (and even improbable) angle.
I’m hung up on: Was he being extra funny/charming because he liked me?  Or is that just his bedside manner?  Of course he was borderline flirting with me… no, wait, there’s no way he was borderline flirting with me.  Maybe ethically he’s really not supposed to flirt with patients, but that was as close as he could get.  But no, definitely not flirting because I’m too [insert negative self-talk here].

So, what should I do to stop my wheels from spinning in the mud?  Fucking ask.
God damn it, that means being upfront.  Direct.  Bold.

Maybe I do have mojo after all.  It was just hidden under all my insecurity and self-doubt.

OMG.

Me: Hey, can I give you a lot of money, and sacrifice all of my precious little free time for a few years, just to get a few more letters after my name?
University: Oh boy!! Can you?? You start April 4th!

In other words, I just got into grad school. I’ll be starting my Master’s program for Clinical Mental Health Counseling this Spring quarter.

Holy shit I start grad school in like a month and a half.

Guess I better get my ass in gear on that last pre-req class….

OMG!  I’m freaking out.  Mostly in a good way.  But this is kind of a lot all at once!

(Mis)adventures in Online Dating

So, I’m getting impatient, in the dating game.

I’ve joined that single’s social club, and made a few female (friend) connections.  But no dudes.  Talked to a cute guy at a movie event the other day, we just didn’t click… and I was dying for the movie to start by the end of the conversation.  It really wasn’t that bad, just a little boring, and… I dunno, not a lot of appreciation for the mental health field.  Kind of a big deal for me.  Obvs.
Went to a games night event last night, had a guy who I think was trying to flirt, but was missing the mark.  Being vulgar about enjoying giving cunnilingus during a game =/= flirting.  And then he got too close to me.  Get out of my bubble, dude!

A few weeks ago, after another sour experience at one of these events, I reactivated my OkStupid account.  No luck, as yet.  My favorite so far, however, was the guy who broke the ice by asking if my child is black.

So today I went so far as to post a personal ad on Craigslist.  Peppered with wit, and disclaimers like: “I am not looking for casual sex” and “for the love of god don’t send me a picture of your penis!”  Though worded somewhat differently.
Well, apparently this got someone’s panties in a bunch, because after a few hours, the post was flagged and deleted.  WTAF?

Maybe it was the one guy I’d gotten as far as texting with, until I realized: oh, hey, apparently “I don’t want to see a pic of your wiener” is not strong enough to keep guys from thinking I’ll put out on a first date.  *sigh*

Maybe it was the guy who replied with, “Wow I can see why your divorced, your poor husband is probably in [state psych hospital] now” [sic].  That’s been my favorite of the hater responses.

Or maybe it was just someone who was offended by my strong-willed, “I don’t have time for your bullshit” attitude.

Anyway.  This whole experience is a rather interesting social experiment.  I’m trying to keep that perspective, so I don’t get too depressed, jaded, and lonely.

Oy.  Work is kicking my ass.  I had a meltdown this week over an Email my supervisor sent.  He’s been super micro-manage-y.  And, it turned out, the misunderstanding with Connie, was actually her standing up for me to this supervisor.
So… maybe trying extra hard to find distractions in my personal life has been a bit of a coping mechanism to not obsess over work stuff this weekend.
Damn it.

Well, it’s not like I can wave a magic wand and replace all my negative coping mechanisms with positive ones at once. 😛

Anywho.  That’s about all I’ve got for now.

Is this a cure or is this a disease?

Hi.  Things have been pretty eventful over here.  Mostly in a good way.
There’s some crankiness at one of my coworkers, Connie*, who’s rubbed me the wrong way since day 1… and now she tattled on me to our supervisor, about what I thought was a vent session.  ANYway.

Lots of business coming up, mostly with my singles activities group.  Monday and Wednesday are the only days this week I’m not signed up for an event!  Tomorrow is a nature-y one.  I’ve been to 3 events so far, and it wasn’t until the 3rd that I saw cute guys in the appropriate age range.

But yeah, none of that is really why I’m here.  Well, I’m trying not to obsess over the coworker nonsense (to varying degrees of success).  But more importantly, I’m trying to process-without-obsessing over a conversation I had with Seth today.

Continue reading